I got a job in mid-August. I've been working for three full weeks now. God is good. I had a boyfriend, also for the past month and a half, but we just broke up this past week. It wasn't meant to be though, at least not right now. I've been in a carpe diem state of mind recently. The relationship was great while it lasted, and since we let it go at the right time, we can still be good friends. I'm happy with that.
It always sucks to lose a connection like that though. I hate letting go of people in that way. God knows that I don't like break ups. I want every boyfriend to be the last boyfriend. I want to be married. I want a family. A lot of times I feel like I'm behind... but it's not that I'm behind now. I am finally maturing to that point where I truly WOULD like to have a family of my own. It used to be more of a race in my mind, a comparison between me and other friends/acquaintances my age. Not so now... I want to build a life with someone and have babies.
Why not? I wonder how long I have to wait for all of that. I understand, though, that it's best to wait on God's timing. Little by little I'm learning. I learned a lot from the recent relationship, especially about myself, that I can carry into a relationship with someone else and make it that much stronger. In that sense I really feel good about how things unfolded.
I feel like I am FINALLY learning to "live in the moment"...well, as best as someone like me who's prone to planning can live. Of course I still dream and look ahead. I've always been a dreamer. Sometimes God allows my wishes to turn into dreams and goals. I try not to wish. Wishing implies that life is not ok as it is. I came to that conclusion last week. Also, instead of saying "I hope" I am trying to say "I pray"... it's not that anyone confronted me about it. I just think that merely hoping denies God's infinite power over our lives and allows us to be passive. In saying "I pray," I am also attempting to actually say a quick, few-words prayer about whatever it is... constant acknowledgment of God and going to Him in prayer. In doing that it seems like I get feedback more quickly and I don't forget to address with Him things that have been concerning me.
Even with so much going on in my life, I feel peaceful and closer to God than I have before. I am looking to the simplicity of walking with Jesus, rather than trying to over think everything. God is leading me now, because I am FINALLY "letting" Him. I'm more free than I've ever been. Knowing that I'm following God has also assisted me in making peace with my family's differing views on how I'm going about my life... like who I date, when I decided to move out of my grandparents' house, whose house I moved into, etc. Parental opinion has played a big role in my life thus far, even though I'm already 25. I am very close with parents and other family members, so I desire their approval and confirmation that I'm making good decisions. When we don't agree it bothers me a bit, but I'm getting better at not caring. I don't always know what I'm doing, but it's ok for me to experience my life as I go about it. I'm an adult. :)
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