I can't remember the last time I was just happy... you know, happy happy. Can't remember the last time I was just... sigh... cool with what I was doing, who I was, where I was... just content. Maybe I've never been content and all of my life has been laced with angst and anxiety, but I think it just snowballs and gets worse and worse. Now I find myself here in this place where I feel absolutely stuck and feel like I have none of what I currently want... here again with princess problems, admittedly. It's just that the stuff I've come to want for my life at this age is not tangible. No one but God can give me these things.
All I know is that I'm tired of being sad and being down on myself, wondering what's wrong with me, why isn't my life how I want it to be? Why am I not ok with how it is now? In a few short hours I will be loading up the car with my mom and sister heading to the beach for a few days. Normally this would be exciting to me. I like the beach, but I have been DRAGGING my feet and not wanting to go, took me forever to muster the momentum to pack. My BFF, her mother, aunt cousin and a friend of the family will all be there and I guess I just don't feel like being around a whole bunch of extra people for an extended amount of time. I thought about it further and it's close quarters, limited personal autonomy on my part (having to flow with the group probably) and just ugh, I'm not in the mood.
Further evaluation... I'm not happy and on this trip I will have to pretend to be and I don't have the energy for that right now, nor the interest in hearing someone try to fix my problems by prescribing me some list of what they think I need to do so quick surfacey fix. I'm tired of people trying to help me out with the fact that I think/worry too much by telling me to stop thinking or to not worry. What the hell? Do you know that if I was able to do that then I would be able to sleep well at night, which I don't and I haven't for years.
If this is what adult life will continue to be for me, you can take it back. I don't want it. I understand that I'm not supposed to be circumstancially happy but have joy in the Lord. That just hasn't become real to me yet. I am ashamed that with all God has done for me, some of which I've explained in blog entries, He's still not real to me. I've not yet seen the cross. It hasn't all clicked for me. I know it all must be true, but my heart doesn't believe it. Thus, unhappy me... unwilling and unable to let go of all the stuff I've been holding on to for forever and walk by faith. I don't know how to do it. I'm just panicking. I don't want to be like this anymore.
I say that Jeremiah 29:11 is my favorite verse, but I act and live like I don't believe it.
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