Sulking 101: The Art of Sulking

I named this entry "Sulking 101" because that is certainly a class I could teach. No one has mastered the art of sulking QUITE like me. While some may attribute this attribute of mine to my so-called Piscean nature, I place the blame of such an inheritance on my dad. In fact, he probably has the art of sulking down to a science. He can be much more moody than I. My mother warned me once, when I was an adolescent that I sulk like my father and that being around a sulky Crystal was unpleasant, transformed the mood of the atmosphere into negative. So, I was like hmmm... I took her seriously. I worked on doing my best to not be upset around others or to remain upset for long periods of time. I have become decent at getting upset and then resuming my normal chipperness. HOWEVER, in the past few weeks after nearly a month at home... I have resulted to sulking. I think I've been sulking in my sleep, which allows me to stay in bed until like 2:00pm. My reasoning is, "Why wake up? I will just be in the house and job searching. There is nothing to do and no one to see here." So I just sleep and sleep until I can't anymore... which results in me getting a very late start to my day, resulting in a late ending to my day 3 and 4:00am. Thus, starting the vampire-like sleep cycle all over again. I find that my lame, constrained nights are much better than the worthless days I encounter.

But what a horrible attitude to have. I mean, hello! "This is the day the Lord has made, let us rejoice and be glad IN it" yet, asleep in bed I remain as if I have no purpose. And you want to know why?... because now that I'm having the identity crisis of neither being in school nor working I DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO WITH MYSELF!" and it's driving me absolutely crazy. Then with my perpetual sulking I drive my family crazy... even though they put up with me with great skill. Ok, I do not sulk all day... but mostly when I am at home alone... or with nothing to do, like not even an ERRAND to run. I feel like crawling out of my skin!

Back to sulking... today was the hands down, absolute sulkiest day of them all. It didn't start out like that though. Woke up, went to church with mom and sis [(Dad had a day-trip for work out of town)... oh and NO, we aren't Seventh Day Adventists or anything other than Christian-Protestant... non-denominational (which is a denomination in itself) to be exact. My church just happens to meet on Saturdays.] I was feeling good, church was exceedingly boring and I was quite tired... but still, I was doing good. Then church was over and we all (ladies) stood around talking for about 30mins or so (still chipper). Then we left church, headed to the mall and THAT conversation that I had with my mom about REALITY pushed me over the edge into sulk-dom... although there was nothing inherently wrong with the conversation. I just decided to be deeply upset and disturbed about ONE thing in particular that Jesus hasn't yet brought to full fruition in my life.

I have said this before. It's so easy to get caught up in the grocery list of things that we ask God for that we ignore the FULLY stocked pantry/fridge of all of the things He's already freely given. I could go on for days about how great God has been to, but I'll just do a crash summary of my life to explain:

I was born, then my parents separated when I was a few months old. My biological dad was a good dad, but he never lived in my household since I remember. I lived as a child of a single mother for about 5 years, until my mother was blessed with my step dad, her knight in shining armor UNmistakenly given by God. Through my step dad (referred to simply as Dad from now on in this entry) God made her life complete and SAVED me from the life of a little girl growing up without the strong presence of a father who loved God. The moment mom married Dad was a major turning point in my life. There is NO telling who I would have become without the influence of Dad (with God's direction and support) in my life. In addition to a spiritual foundation, I have grown up somewhat pampered. While Dad was always quite strict, he has treated my mom, sis and I like queen and princesses... not spoiling us rotten ever, but sure... you could say I have a sense of entitlement sometimes in the way I KNOW I should be treated, PARTICULARLY by any man who wants to consider me for anything serious, like marriage. I know the kind of man I would like to keep around. I learned that from Dad... from my biological dad, I (unfortunately) learned the kind of man that should never be my husband. Anyways, under Dad and Mom's guidance and God's blessing, I was an honor roll student ALL through my K-12 education, attended the Georgia Institute of Technology for my bachelor of science (with NO real struggle in terms of issues external to classes) within 4 short years... went to grad school for a year at Georgia State University for a year and decided it was the wrong program for me (within months)... little did I know, I had been placed into a more solid position to apply for the program that truly was for me... and now I hold a (recent) master's degree from Florida State University at the age of 25. If you know my family, that's kind of a big deal. I'm one of a few cousins that holds a baccalaureate degree, let alone a master's and having aspirations to begin a doctorate within a few years. Those are the more visible blessings. I've also never gone hungry or not known where my next meal was coming from, never observed domestic violence on the part of my parents. I have not one, but TWO fathers who love me VERY much. I have it made in the SHADE.

But... despite all of these things, today I chose to harp on what my mother and I talked about in the car. All my life, like many women, I've dreamed of my prince charming... you know, "that guy"... I referred to him as "Mr. Intended" a few entries ago. As I have also said, I don't envision perfection... but he should be perfect for me. We should fit together without having to do a lot of trimming. These things I already knew, but my mom simply reminded me as I related to her a story of a situation that "one of my friends" was having with a guy she really liked. She told me that when she met my biological father, she felt like she did a lot of work. It was hard work to vibe and get along with him. She was met with a lot of adversity on multiple facets. But then, when she finally met Dad, it wasn't work, she said. They are both very different people, she explained, but apparently God did all of the work from the get-go to bring them together... there was no anxiety, frustration, serious miscommunication, none of that from the beginning. They have a great marriage now, and NO, I am NOT saying that they don't have to work at their marriage (because WHO doesn't have to work at maintaining a great marriage) but they were obviously meant to be together. It's just that 99% of the time it's not a fight.

So my mother expressed to me that a relationship, especially at the outset, should not be a fight... or something that requires considerable, back-breaking labor to happen. I should be able to be me and he should be able to be him freely within the relationship. If my Crystalness makes his [Name]ness feel trapped, then it's a no go. So then I began to think of personal qualities (aside from not having a relationship with God, because that's a given for my significant other) that would be deal breakers for a relationship between me and someone else, based on what I need and the kind of relationship I hope to have.

I thought of two (for starters), so here goes...

I know that I can not be in a relationship with someone who does not value intimacy [NO, I don't mean sex... certainly not for a non-marital relationship in my case], but it is a CORE relational value of mine to get to know a person as well as I can and for them to get to know me as well as I can. Most of this takes place through somewhat lengthy conversations here and there, with quick communication (texts and such) dispersed throughout. My intuition is pretty darn good (when I pay attention to it), but dammit, it's not what I want to rely on to "know" someone.... just going on a hunch I get, NO. It's bad news. Also, another deal breaker that I've come to realize is inability to empathize with me. Look, I KNOW that I can be a little crazy and neurotic sometimes, I'm working on it... but EMPATHY is the hallmark of how God made me. It's a gift and a curse in the sense that I get hurt when people are unable to empathize with me. I know they don't mean to be hurtful, but I have a hard time understanding how another person can't put themselves in my shoes (I guess that's an instance where I can't place myself in their shoes either huh?). But YES, if empathizing with me, understanding why the hell I say and do things the way I tend to do and recognizing and HONORING my need for intimacy cause someone's [Name]ness considerable PAIN, then it won't work. These are absolutely ESSENTIAL to my personal thriving in a relationship. Without these things I am nothing short of a wreck. As a lover, I do my DAMNEDEST to support the other person and I'm loyal to the end... but if I feel like the core characteristics of my Crystalness, the ESSENCE, are being stamped out, I retaliate... and I'm not very fun. I become like a threatened animal backed into a corner, biting and pushing... trying with all my might to be understood and to be me and to BREATHE.... Jesus. All the while, the person who has me backed into a corner feels similarly restricted and threatened by my Crystalness, I percieve. It's just a bad look, a no go. And it's no one's fault, it's just unwise to try and force a square peg into a round hole. Neither the peg nor the hole will be happy.

It was a nice epiphany to have, moment of clarity to reach. I really do want God's best for me. I have resolved to act like it by asking Him to use me to serve others. With all this preoccupation I have with my current life moment I've drawn into myself and lost sight of the fact that there is a bigger picture. God's story is much bigger than my life. It's time for me to step up and truly figure out what role He wants me to play.