I'm awake now, so I may as well write... right?
So yesterday, I found out that I did NOT land my dream job. The job in my favorite city, the interview that had gone so great. It's a good thing that I did not decide to begin my day until 1pm. If not, I would have had an ENTIRE day to be upset about it. As it was, I found out... cried my eyes OUT and then decided to pull myself together before my sister got off the bus close to 4pm. I couldn't let her see me in such a pitiful state. It's not that I'm too cool to cry around her, but if she saw just how upset I was yesterday then she'd be worried about me. I couldn't have that, so I took a shower and washed my tears away with it. How could they not offer me this job? Didn't they know how BADLY I wanted it? Yeah yeah... and I would have done a damn good job, but the truth is they wanted someone else. Also, if I'm honest with myself... I wasn't really trying to go to work right now. Sure, I don't want all of my little money to run out and to have to rely TOTALLY on my parents in this interim... and I'm going half crazy right now at home all day every day. I need a VERB. But still, right now was not the time to hit the ground running at a full time job. I still wake up in night sweats about my graduate school experience, shoot (not really, but I thought that was a nice way of saying that it's fresh in my mind).
It just hit me on SUNDAY that I'd truly escaped Tallahassee... and it's been a couple of weeks. I was honestly worried that I would not get OUT of there. It grew on me, but folk just kept calling it the black hole, and I didn't think it was the geographical answer to my life. Even though a couple of people made me (in the back of my mind) want to consider getting a job there [ALS, ALM... whoa that's freakish, why are yall's initials so similar??] they're not going to be there permanently... or even after a few months, so why risk getting trapped? I hope that one day, though, I am blessed enough to live near (or even in the same city) as those two individuals though. They are both special to me.
Back to the job. I am at PEACE with it (mostly)... but I'd be lying if at moments I didn't find my thoughts drifting to why I wasn't chosen.... as if I needed more reasons to be unsure of myself. I tell that secondary voice to shut up though. God has given me this time I know. I feel like I'm wasting it though. I seem to be good at that. What not getting this job HAS done is made me wayyy more discouraged overall. That was 1 of 24 applications. Today (er, yesterday really) I started what I like to call "Phase II" of my job search. On my table that lists all the jobs I've applied for (where, what and status) and numbers them, I started a new table below it with the 5 new jobs I've applied to this week with new numbers. I should just make it a practice to begin numbering again every time I hit 10. I do feel like I was bitch slapped and fell on my butt though.
I need a goal other than a job/getting BACK out of my parents' house. One begins on June 1st, reading the bible in 90 days. I should seriously start my running program, but (a) I have no idea where the heck the book is and (b) no idea where my athletic clothes are. I hate living out of a suitcase. I could work on my Esther devotional, but WAIT, can't find that either. Ok... that settles it, I'm going to a Christian bookstore tomorrow to find something to do that's constructive. The good news is that I CAN find my bibles (at least two of them). Real-time decision, that's why I like writing. It helps me gather my thoughts and achieve a clarity I would not otherwise achieve while constantly mulling over the same thoughts repeatedly.
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