Baby girl if I could just take you by the hand and walk you through the life I once lead then maybe some pain could be spared. Or maybe if God had just sent me to experience these things in your stead... it would be different now. I've been there, now it may not have been the same 'there' as you, but that's where I was. I remember the brokenness and crying at night long after the action had ceased. I remember the emptiness that came in the aftermath. No activity that allows you to be free will leave you walking, living on egg shells wondering the worst, hoping for the best with a full understanding that there must be an end to it all, but not knowing, how or where or who. If you could only know how my heart goes out to you even in the midst of my selfishness. I used to feel like I was not yet spiritually dead, but buried alive with the heaviness of my actions, slowly dying to the whisperings of God's still soft voice, the urgings of the Holy Spirit. Going to church, when I did bother to go, was like going through the motions. My own parents despised me for my actions, so who was I that God should hear my cry for help?! Broken as I was and with the little God-given strength there was left in me, I did call out to Him. Looking back on it, very little happened immediately (I was still very much off the chain) but He made it clear that He had heard me, when the time was right. Just know that Jesus does not despise you, God does not despise you [The sacrifices of God are a broken spirit; a broken and contrite heart, O God, you will not despise (Psalm 51:17)]. He's waiting on you to notice that as you are crying, He is crying along with you (John 11:35). He LOVES you not in spite of, but even because of who you have become: "I have loved you with an everlasting love"(Jeremiah 31:3). Don't hang your head low around other Christians either. Unfortunately many of us are quick to condemn, forgetting the skeletons that are overflowing out of our closets and the skeletons that God lifted us from. My life has certainly been peaks and valleys since He rescued me from this 1 thing, went from being in a relationship with someone I thought I'd end up marying to being single(and fabulous... j/k), but I wouldn't trade any of my experiences over the past year for anything in this world. Isn't it a blessed thing that God loves us all the same? Baby doll, don't for a moment think that the alternative to where you are is lonliness. Jesus is waiting eagerly, patiently to spend time with you. Even though I'm going into the 9th month still trying to live this lesson, I know that it's true. I've seen Him take people to the next level when they draw near to Him. I will get there, so will you, sooner rather than later. I'll leave you with this verse to think on:
"[L]et us draw near to God with a sincere heart in full assurance of faith, having our hearts sprinkled to cleanse us from a guilty conscience and having our bodies washed with pure water." ~Hebrews 10:22
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