God is truly amazing. Today at church, He spoke to me...for real. This was the first day that I could actually say I walked into church and heard EXACTLY what I needed to hear. I mean, I always hear a lot of things that I need to hear, but a message on faith and being optimistic was just what I needed today. I mean I was expecting God to say something to me today. Waking up for church this morning was just so different. I was excited about going. I mean sometimes it feels like drudgery having to wake up all early and go to church when I'd rather stay in bed, but I was excited before I even got there. I also figured out the mystery of my wanting to dress up so much. Last night I thought hmm, maybe I should dress up for church for a change. Working with the Club 4:12 middle school ministry I usually dress down mostly. I realize its been a long time since I've just dressed up for church, so today I wore a dress.That in itself made me feel a little renewed. Sometimes my life feels like a huge rut, an irregular rut. That's a contradiction you might say? "irregular rut" What I mean by that is I do the same things over and over again, but just on different rotating schedules. It's just the same old same old.
I am so happy about my CS masterpiece...well I know it's not really a masterpiece, but it is to me because I think it's pretty and I never thought I could actually do well at something involving computer science, but I'm suprised that I ended up getting asked a question. Being a STAC major here at Tech you get little or no respect as a Tech student, but with this CS class and doing homeworks, I finally feel like I can call myself a Tech student. If I was somewhere else, I don't think a course in computer science (well not like this one) would be a part of my core curriculum. But anyways, I spent much of my evening after completeing my homework just sending the JPEG collage I made of my baby picture to everybody I knew online. I was just ultra excited. Mommy said it was cute, so that made me feel good. I actually spent like over an hour talking to Gabby. She's getting so mature now that soon I know she'll be not only my baby sister but a good friend in just a few short years that I know will fly by quickly. The nine year difference seems to close in on us. I am so proud of the big girl she has become and I look forward to seeing her progress into young womanhood. I mean she's always been cool, but it's nice to actually be able to talk to her on the phone for a while. I really love my sister. I love my sisterS. I can't talk about how much I love my Gabby without tearing up at the eye a little bit. If I'm this emotional about my 11-yr-old sister, then I can't imagine myself with my own children. Water Works. But enough about that, I could talk about that forever...literally.
God has blessed me (at least for the moment) with someone so sweet and caring and respectful and empathetic it just blows me away. I didn't know that guys like him existed. It's awesome though. I really appreciate his patience with me and his calm, gentle spirit. I'm usually rowdy enough for the both of us. That's something God and I are working on. I'm just glad that he always has my best interest at heart. I suck because I probably do take him for granted. He's so wise and discerning and he walks closely with God. He's shown me so much these past few months we've been dating. Most importantly to me, he's shown me how to cultivate a relationship with God. I was so lost before, but now I can gladly say that I have a little more than a fraction of a clue of how things work. That's enough to keep me humble. I can never be right in assuming that I'm closing in on the discovery of the totality of God's mysteries, I can't even say I'm halfway there or even closer than extremely and insurmountably far because the well of knowledge is way too deep for my entire existence to remotely understand. It is fun though, to connect the puzzle pieces that lead up to events and fit together so perfectly. God does a lot of things that we don't know about. He works in the background and I think the only things the human mind can truly perceive are drastic changes and failure. When we feel like every hope is gone and life is just at rock bottom, we notice it and when we go directly from rock bottom to being on top of the world, we notice, but what about the in between. What about the "ok" areas? When we will realize that "ok" although it may not seem "great" is still absolutely "wonderful." Once we get it, the realization comes that all we will ever need in our lives is to know that we love Jesus and most importantly that Jesus loves us. Why is it so darn hard to put our "lives" on hold to make room for our Savior? Everything that is within us and of us directs its energy to whichever direction is opposite of Jesus. Only through the Holy Spirit can we feel the desire to run toward Jesus. Funny how we will sing about loved ones "You're all, I need, to get byyyyyy" Marvin and Tammy had a nice melody, but since they weren't singing to Jesus they completely missed the point. Without him, we're just dark, hollow figures roaming the earth in search of love, but we fail to realize that we aren't capable of true love without Him, we don't have the capacity. And if we're sitting around leaning on someone because they said they love us and we said we love them, and we aren't leaning on the love of Jesus everything will just fall through. The relationship will sooner or later dry rot if it's not Jesus-centric. God is really showing me that right now in my relationship with Sean. The closer Sean and I walk with God in our personal lives, the closer together and in-tune he and I walk with each other. Now, if neither of us is continuing to approach the throne of grace OR if one of us is walking onward while the other is standing still, the clasp of hands has no choice but to loosen and the grip falters. I know I am guilty of neglecting God's cries for time with me in my life and I admit that I don't have the power within myself to put down everything I need to put down in order to bond with God. It is just so lovely and so beautiful to be blessed with someone that can see that need within you, or maybe not just within you, but in the relationship as a whole. It's so awesome that in one decision he was able to communicate everything I've been feeling for a while, the tapping God's been doing on my shoulders, trying to call me into His office. I knew that I've been neglecting to give God his quiet time with me, but I adore Sean so much that I felt like I was in between a rock and a hard place. I REALLY want to see Sean all the time if I can, but I was unable to brush the feeling that I needed to maybe push him away a little so that God can step in. Sean has wisely helped me and I already feel like our relationship will be blessed so much more because of it. I've been sitting around praying and wondering why I haven't fallen in love with God yet, but how could I, I don't know Him that well. How dare I expect to build a relationship with someone I rarely talk to. You can't expect that with strictly human relationships, why now? I mean I know that God is supernatural and all, but I can't invest nothing into loving Him more and expect large returns. I can't grow in my Faith in Him if I don't first take larger steps toward knowing for myself who He is. And...I know I'm ranting, I wonder if I make sense. If I don't it's because this is straight from my mind and into the journal with only minor editing. A major reason I have this journal is because I know that other people feel like I feel now or I have once felt and I just want to show those people that they are not alone in feeling human and that there is a God who cares. I've been to very low places emotionally, but God has lifted me up and continues to work with me and I know that He's willing to do the same for you if you will only strive to love Him in return.
Posted on 6.6.2004 at 5:07 PM
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