Hmm... how do I put this? I saw my first love this past weekend... or childhood sweetheart you could say. See, with him it was the classic situation where you are young and have this really close friend who has a slightly older sibling that you admire, especially as you both get older. With the end of middle school the whole 'liking' situation turned into this whole chemistry thing where we were at each other's throats a lot, like he would make fun of me and stuff. This might sound somewhat masochistic but I liked it, because I understood that he was really good at being a pain end even so I definitely had a weakness for him. The fall of my freshman year of HS we acknowledged that we liked each other and 'dated' long distance for a couple of months (I remember the exact dates) and that of course ended.I saw him during the fall of my junior year and even though I was in a relationship at the time, I found him irresistable so I probably fought that feeling by trying to be mean and push him away... on all levels.
Then I didn't see him again until the summer after I graduated from high school(2002)... while I was walking down the Va.Beach strip with a friend. I was in VA for a friend's wedding. Anyway, I didn't expect to see him right, and I looked over to some storefront, and there he was. This may sound melodramatic...but... when I saw him it was like my heart jumped into my freaking throat and I don't know if I played it cool, but I didn't know how to act.
After that, I didn't see him again until... well, let me explain. So I'm leavin the movies this past Friday and he calls me talkin about he's in Aiken [he's also slizzard so we have a weird conversation]. I was actually in ATL but I was driving home Saturday, and home is fairly close to Aiken. So... I call him when I'm on my way home, we play phone tag a bit and he ends up coming to visit Saturday night. I was so nervous about seeing him, mad that my hair was all wrapped up like some neo soul nubian artist chick instead of permed and fluffy. I hadn't seen him in 4 whole years so I didn't know if I was gonna be comfortable around him or what (My eyes and body generally have to re-warm up to being around a person when I haven't seen them in years.) He gets to the house and I go outside to meet him... weird... he looks about the same. I don't hug him, we walk into the house. From there he and my parents dominate conversation (he knows them too of course, knew my stepdad before he married my mom). I sit there like a mouse, eat my curry chicken from earlier that day and just watch him. By the time he and my parents are done blabbing I'm still a lil chilly about being around him but the initial chill is gone and I'm on my way to being my normal self... still quiet though. We talked about a lot of things quite easily, life and beliefs, adult questions and answers we've found so far. He's changed in a good way, still himself but mature... i'mpressive actually.
While we're talking, I'm thinking "wow. this is really natural." because there are things about me that he just 'gets.' I know I've been understood before but I had forgotten what this was like... easy conversation backed with a 16-year friendship and familiarity, a history, a large part of my coming-of-age experience. At any rate, no matter how I felt I betrayed myself by being as stoic as possible without being weird. I restricted my display of emotion to the following instances: giving him my ONLY beef patty (hadn't had one in 6 months or so, and I had seriously planned to eat that one), trying to keep him there as long as possible (to the point of indirectly saying that he could sleep at our house if he needed to), lingering in the goodbye hug (I'm not a big hugger, really), telling him to let me know when he made it to wherever he was staying (I usually assume that people will be ok).
Maybe I was crazy to be so self-contained and restrained in my display of feelings and thoughts, but I was being my normal control freak self. I like to avoid situations in my life that lead to likely disappointment so there was NO way I was going to address what was underlying the circumstance for me. Hopefully I won't kick myself in the ass about it 30 years from now when I realize that maybe my life could have ended up differently had I said something, but that's the stuff that movies are made of, not my life. If things are meant to happen a certain way (God's way) they will, and I can be at peace about that. Part of why I didn't say anything also is that I recognize the truth that there is a time for everything. If God has said anything louder or more prominent to me right now it's that this is not that season of my life where I find a significant other (other than Jesus) and transition into holy matrimony. In the meantime it's up to me to figure out what I should be doing specifically to be ready for when that season arises. For now I'll just go with the flow and try to stir up as little emotionally as possible. Some antique doors just aren't meant for re-opening right now but that doesn't mean that it will always be like that.
...sigh... maybe my life isn't a movie, but it might be a bit of a novel.
here's the poem i wrote after he left:
::UNfinished::
Everytime
we reacquaint
I find myself
reaching to extend
the time.
You don't have to leave for food
I'll fix you something,
give you mine.
Sleepy?
Take a nap here,
I'll even watch you sleep,
but please don't leave.
Because half
a decade is too long,
and a few hrs,
too short.
My heart toward you,
is now a desert
in a sandstorm.
Will it settle again?
Posted on 6.14.2006 at 5:16 AM
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