Pikachu (Gabby) was in a talent show tonight. She and her friends did
very well, but it would have been nice to see them smile. This has
been the lonliest visit home that I've ever had. Dad has stuff to do
and Mom will be going to class this weekend. It's sad because I never
get to see them. So this is what growing up is like? I study the
faces of my parents for signs of aging because old age means death and
I never want them to die. I would prefer they stayed as youthful as
they were 11 years ago when I was 10 and my sister wasn't potty
trained yet. Here I am, days from 21, unsure of what direction my life
will be taking. I do know that I intend to move in whichever direction
Jesus wants me to go. God I hope mine and Sean's paths converge to a
common purpose in Your will. Lord I've just been so stressed about my
grades and classes. I don't like college anymore. I don't like my
grades anymore or the student I've become. I feel powerless but I
guess that's the point. I really wanted to get an A in personality
psych to see that I was at least still able to do something. And
what's a whole year of college going to look like without Sean there?
He's my best friend here on earth Lord. We hang out all the time. What
if he's not even in Atlanta? I just thought that at 21 I'd know what
was going on with my life instead of being depressed somewhat about
what's going on in the background of my spiritual life (cuz that's
great). I don't even know if I want to celebrate this rite of passage
at all. I think praising and thanking God that he has blessed me this
far will suffice because I am thankful, I'm just not excited. I can't
pan out and see the big picture of my life. All I see now are Biology
and Psych, neither of which are going well and I really thought I knew
what was going on in the Psych test. I don't want to do the STAC thing
anymore. It's a whatever type major that nobody understands and that I
can't explain and no one will ever want to hire me coming out of
school. I feel like I'm never going to get one of those real jobs with
a salary. Maybe I won't. I'm just so frustrated right now. I'm not
supposed to be turning 21 yet. I don't have anything together at all.
All I know is that I love God and I want to grow in Him and I desire
that other people would know and love Jesus...and I am aware that
those things are all I need to know but I want to know more. That's
why I am not excited about turning 21. I don't have anything together.
I probably won't figure out what I'm supposed to be doing until I stop
trying to work it all out for myself. It's very hard to have faith to
sit back and let God tell you when to make a move when you've been
raised to get out there, go for it and handle things. 21, don't come
yet. I'm not ready yet. =(
very well, but it would have been nice to see them smile. This has
been the lonliest visit home that I've ever had. Dad has stuff to do
and Mom will be going to class this weekend. It's sad because I never
get to see them. So this is what growing up is like? I study the
faces of my parents for signs of aging because old age means death and
I never want them to die. I would prefer they stayed as youthful as
they were 11 years ago when I was 10 and my sister wasn't potty
trained yet. Here I am, days from 21, unsure of what direction my life
will be taking. I do know that I intend to move in whichever direction
Jesus wants me to go. God I hope mine and Sean's paths converge to a
common purpose in Your will. Lord I've just been so stressed about my
grades and classes. I don't like college anymore. I don't like my
grades anymore or the student I've become. I feel powerless but I
guess that's the point. I really wanted to get an A in personality
psych to see that I was at least still able to do something. And
what's a whole year of college going to look like without Sean there?
He's my best friend here on earth Lord. We hang out all the time. What
if he's not even in Atlanta? I just thought that at 21 I'd know what
was going on with my life instead of being depressed somewhat about
what's going on in the background of my spiritual life (cuz that's
great). I don't even know if I want to celebrate this rite of passage
at all. I think praising and thanking God that he has blessed me this
far will suffice because I am thankful, I'm just not excited. I can't
pan out and see the big picture of my life. All I see now are Biology
and Psych, neither of which are going well and I really thought I knew
what was going on in the Psych test. I don't want to do the STAC thing
anymore. It's a whatever type major that nobody understands and that I
can't explain and no one will ever want to hire me coming out of
school. I feel like I'm never going to get one of those real jobs with
a salary. Maybe I won't. I'm just so frustrated right now. I'm not
supposed to be turning 21 yet. I don't have anything together at all.
All I know is that I love God and I want to grow in Him and I desire
that other people would know and love Jesus...and I am aware that
those things are all I need to know but I want to know more. That's
why I am not excited about turning 21. I don't have anything together.
I probably won't figure out what I'm supposed to be doing until I stop
trying to work it all out for myself. It's very hard to have faith to
sit back and let God tell you when to make a move when you've been
raised to get out there, go for it and handle things. 21, don't come
yet. I'm not ready yet. =(
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