You're the One to...

raise me up
from this grave
touch my tongue
and then i'll sing
heal my limbs
and joyfully
i'll run to YOU.
...
And I'm alive and I'll sing
And I'm alive and I'm free
...
Yeah I'm FREE!!!
~from David Crowder Band "Everything"


The Holy Spirit is urging me to take leave from abrasive music, not necessarily secular music, but definitely stuff like Three 6 Mafia "Stay Fly" and other non-edifying selections. I've known that it was something I was supposed to do for a while, but I kept saying nah, this is too fun and what not. I don't think that things will work out for me like they are supposed to spiritually until I obey in this area of my life. There are other things I need to do, but I am officially saying that I WILL take this first step. I just deleted a lot ofthe music I was talking about from my computer. I didn't have a lot of it, but what I had was bad enough. It wasn't enough for me to just say I wasn't going to play it. I feel MUCH better now that I've done that. I felt like I was losing my ground. I saw SB for a second last night, he asked me how I was and I felt bad because for probably the first time in a long time, I acted more like a shut oyster than an open book. There is so much going on under the surface with me, so much I could have said, so much I didn't say, so much I may never say. I'm the deepest well of emotions. So this is what it's like to have separated yourself from God, minimum living? I had such high hopes as I started my one year stint as a single woman in God... I'm making baby steps though, so I'm happy. I even managed to get some of the work done this weekend that I had planned to do. That was a milestone. Progress is good. I feel like I've reached a level of resolve. Concerning some things, I know what I want. I don't know that God will grant me one of them, but I'll keep praying about it, for it and asking him. If he won't let me have it, I pray for contentment in that his plan is WAY better than my plan... but I know what I want for now. I don't think it will change, but it's pretty fresh, so we'll see. Last night was a sweet moment. I think I needed that. I also needed to be up in church like I was today. I don't want to be like Lot's wife and give in to the influence of evil (Gen. 19:26). I feel like that's how I've been lately. That's why my foundation has been crumbling like it's been uprooted by some earthquake or other natural phenomenon. I've been salty a lot right, well Lot's wife was madd salty (since she turned into a pillar of salt). I sure as heck don't want to ever be that salty! See, my giving into negative influence was what made me so salty. I've figured that part out now. So as I begin this new week, this new month in my multi-faceted journal... I have a new hope. It's what I needed. I'm so sick of being so disconnected from all that is Christ and of Christ. I just CAN'T do it anymore. I'm a fish out of water. I'm sick of my erratic God Cycle. I know that there will be spiritual seasons, but I can't be IN one season and OUT the next. I need to be IN what God is doing season in and season whether I'm uplifted on a mountaintop or undergoing a lifechanging valley experience that may not be so glamorous (which is exactly what this whole me-without-Sean thing is). Until now I was failing the mess out of this sink-or-swim test. I was spiritually drowning, being drowned out by my worldly desires and my urge to seek fulfillment outside of God, i.e neverending social interactions, comfort food (which would explain the previous journal)... I'll close with some lyrics from a song referencing Habakkuk 3 (Habakkuk's Prayer).

"The sovreign Lord is my strength. He enables me to go on the heights... and I am not afraid."
~David Crowder Band "Cry Mercy"
Posted on 10.3.2005 at 4:14 AM