So I got home tonight at around 9 tonight. My trip was eventless. I'm glad because that's what I prayed for. Thank you God. Somebody didn't look at their eCard that I sent them today(well yesterday). This Saturday was Sweetest Day, but a holiday card loses its affect a day or two after the holiday if its a small holiday. Christmas is different.I reached a comfortable decision about something. I decided I didn't have enough money or service. Easy enough right?... but next semester I'll fight inwardly about it again. I need a spiritual decision, not just the surface. I'm being too stubborn to go to God about it because He might say no, but hasn't He already said that with my tight financial situation and other things in the past? I'm getting tired of journaling because I feel like I'm not really saying anything and I didn't mean for it to be a gossip column about my life and my Sean issues. I mean that's good for "ratings", but it's not like I get paid for my journal being read 1000 times per month.
I'm watching Midnight Love right now. Comcast OnDemand is really cool because CLEARLY Midnight Love kinda doesn't exist anymore. I decided today that Love and Marriage for me is really a dream deferred. I won't always feel like I'm alone, and God willing, I won't always be single. If I actually pray for what I want, God will answer in the best way possible. Maybe Sean was an answer to a prayer that I wasn't ready for, that neither of us were ready fair. Ultimately what does this mean, who really knows but God. All I know is that it's not something I should fret about because God is in control... although I do all the time. I guess I'm just scared that nothing like that will ever work out and I'm definitely not interested in going through this kind of hurt ever again. I'm sick of break ups, let me tell you. I don't want to create another ex, so I'm sorry if you step to me and I don't really give you the time of day (or you just don't feel like I do) it's just that I need for the next guy to be the One and I don't think God is going to send Him to me right now, cuz I asked Him to wait until I'm ready and I KNOW I'm not. I'm pretty sure He does not intend for me to be trying to get serious with anyone right now, knowing that my heart is occupied. I say that all the time though, in some way or another. Jesus is the Bread of Life and I've been an anorexic Christian for some time now, well I'm SICK of it. I'm sick of being salty all the time about my apartment and having to live with people. I'm sick of being sad and unmotivated. What do I do about it all? Nothing. Why is it SO hard to ask God for the things you KNOW you need... at least those. I guess I mostly feel selfish for praying for myself, but like the scripture on my journal says... "You do not have because you do not ask God." and I must say I really DON'T ask. I guess I'm petrified of some of His answers, but I know that any answer He could give me will be so much better than the answer I may have thought I wanted. Maybe that's what's scary... not getting what I expect... the mystery of it all. Well I don't want to be a chicken anymore and live outside of what He wants for me.
Posted on 10.16.2005 at 12:18 AM
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