I thought they would never come: graduation, the end of this program. Ever since I became overwhelmed with my previous graduate assistantship, I've been counting down the days to the end of it all. I did NOT like Tallahassee, Florida. It was NOT a real city, and most of all, perhaps most sad, I didn't have a sense of community here. Oh, sure I knew people but I didn't have the kind of network I'm used to having... or my family 2hrs down the road.
God gave me a couple of friends to lean on and share feelings and frustrations with, and then at some point during the beginning of the summer he blessed me with the person I affectionately refer to as "pif." It's not important for you to know what that stands for, but she is like the big sister I never had (to fight with... lol). There are people who you instantly mesh with and you KNOW they're going to be apart of your life until one of you dies; that's her. Through my relationship with pif and my conscious efforts to attend church regularly, I began to grow some roots and hate Tallahassee a little less. Found a few spots that I liked. Then, between pif and this guy I liked, I started to think... hmm, maybe it wouldn't be so bad if I stayed a year or so longer. Pif is a chem nerd and halfway thru a phd program.
I toyed with the idea of finding a job and staying here, then for a moment things fell apart. I felt like pif let me down (it was something small), the guy (as they seem to do) flaked on our friendship. I can't stand inconsistent people. You're there, or you're not there. While I understand that it's a part of human nature to be inconsistent, there's a difference between flaking out on someone or keeping them guessing as to whether or not you're trying to be a fixture in their lives and making a bold statement, verbally and/or through action, that lets them know, HEY, I'm here to stay (or at least until God sends me packing)... I have your back. The former disgusts me. You shouldn't play with people.
After this wave of rekindled loneliness I was reconciled with the fact that I am supposed to leave. Even if I'm not going to be with my family for long after graduation, it has already been decided that I should go with them once I finish here until God shows me what's next in my life. Since then, pif and I are pif-tight, and I don't talk to the guy anymore (although I initially invited him to my graduation, which was pointless... I guess it was a goodbye gesture. He won't be in attendance anyway, so it works). Being friends with pif gives me the opportunity to love someone other than my family and accept their flaws, even when I might find them downright offensive, so I'm able to see past when she does things that upsets me because that's just how she's wired. Even though we get along really well, we are emotionally wired way differently I think and make meaning of our interactions with the world differently.
So, here and there I've heard people say that they are feeling melancholy about the end of the program, and my boss thinks that I'm going to miss it, here, the program, grad student life. Yesterday at church, I told a couple of people that I speak to that it was my last service. One lady asked me if I was sad; I said, "No. I'm ready to leave." Then I went to my seat and thought about it some more.
"Is it hard to leave somewhere you never actually belonged?" is what I quickly wrote on my notebook before the journal began. It's true. A large part of our program is that we're in a cohort and take most of our core courses with the same people. We are supposed to bond. From day one, I was isolated. Community and sense of belonging is not solely predicated on one's race or ethnicity, but before I knew there was another black girl in the program, I was the ONLY ONE. I felt like a novelty, so different, so misunderstood, so not-like the other people in my program. I began to strongly dislike the vast majority of folks because I could not find my niche.
Over time, basically at the end of the second semester when we went on our practicum trip in May of last year, I was able to see more people close up and get a grasp for who they are. That was cute, I did feel like we bonded a small bit. However, the reality is that for 80% of the people I'm graduating from this program with, I will nod to at conference and then keep it moving. There's no need to be fake. We don't speak (beyond greetings) while we're in the program, let's not pretend like we're "besties" at conference. Plus I hate small talk.
If I could change one thing, as I'm winding down this process, I would have probably given myself a little more post-graduation time to wrap up my time here in Tallahassee. However, what I actually did, in my haste to leave last May when I signed my lease, was to lease until April 30, the day BEFORE graduation. At this point, I have a mostly empty apartment. My mom, dad and sister have moved about 90% of my belongings back home to Georgia, and I'm excited about it. My family is not coming down to graduation, because I'm going to two of my close friends' graduation from my alma mater in Atlanta the following morning, which I deeply feel is way more important... although it would be nice to have mom, dad and sister there to see me graduate and to meet the people who have (positively) shaped my experience here.
But guess what? Pif to the rescue! She and her mom will be at my graduation, so I will have a family support there. I'm excited about that. I will graduate, and I will be in the pictures and say goodbye to the folks who have mattered... then I will bid Tallahassee adieu, wrapping up my time here as a resident and I'll be shocked if I cry (even though I AM a cryer).
Oh, what sucks is that after chit chatting via various social networking venues, I JUST met someone really cool, a.k.a my Pip.... which you also don't need the definition for (nothing to do with pimp or Gladys Knight though). We've spent a lot of library/cafe hours together on the grind to complete our final assignments (he's graduating from his program too). I wish I had met him sooner. When you leave a place, it feels like the rug is being pulled up from under your feet.
This is probably all I will say about leaving Tally until I'm back in Georgia for good.
No comments:
Post a Comment