I'm feeling all flighty and whimsical. I can't begin to explain to you how many tons of worry have been lifted off of my shoulders... even though Jesus tells me to not worry about things. I continue in my hardheadedness, but I am getting better by His grace.
Contrary to my blogs in the earlier years 2003-2005, I RARELY am willing to write when I'm stressed. I guess when I'm feeling overwhelmed, clarity doesn't come. Now that I'm out of the red zone with my final assignments, I have much to synthesize. I have been freed to think about what means the most to me: my relationship with God.
So here it is, I have been full on NEGLECTful of Jesus. I mean, a quick prayer before I set out for a intense school work session, a brief nod of acknowledgment before bedtime, and 911 prayers when I feel like I can't take it anymore... but that has been the extent. Basically toying with his emotions, taking him off the shelf and putting him right back on the shelf. Not abiding in Him as He lives in me.
I spend all this time talking about how people tend to flake and that they don't stick. Have I shown HIM that I stick, that I'm down for the long haul. He has shown me that He's down for the long haul and that He is NOT going to let me go... like for real, it's not a death grip, but the grip of Life. Regardless of whether or not I hold on to life with all that is in me, Life is not going to let me loose.
Well, I'm ready for the fight of my life. Let me tell you, although the last four years (especially the past two), have been nothing like the hell that God allows others to go through to realize His power in their lives, they have been nothing short of a struggle for me. How was I going to keep my head afloat and keep sight of God through it all? I have learned to set my eyes on Him, but my gaze is not strong enough yet.
When I say I'm ready for the fight of my life, I say that knowing that it hasn't fully begun yet. Times have been rough for me inwardly and introspection has left me bewildered and I've listened to the lies of the accuser, which I deal with. However, everything in my spirit right now signals that trouble is ahead. Maybe not big life-threatening trouble, but I'm about have to trust God in a big way, more than I ever have before.
All of my life my identity has been embedded in my family, my personal relationships with other folks (especially significant others) and school (honor roll, dean's list, honor society, graduate school program). My life paradigm is about to shift in a real way, and this is the perfect opportunity for me to LET IT ALL GO, pick up my bible, and spend as much time as I can at the feet of my Lord. Sure, I've finished school (phases I and II anyway) and have shown Him what I THINK I should be doing with my life and what I think I'm passionate about and gifted in... but I'm finally at the point where it's like, Ok Lord, who am I supposed to be. I know that He orders my steps and if I ask Him to, He will begin to reveal to me his purpose for the life that I am designed to lead in him.
I've spent the greater part of my late teens and early 20s continuing to be a merely paused version of my old self; and I have been reluctant to put on my new self in Christ Jesus and to truly live and walk in the redemption that has been given me through His blood. HE SAVED ME... and yet I don't act like it. He's EVERYTHING I've ever desired and yet I harden my heart against Him and drag my feet in seeking Him, even as He pursues me without wavering. I'm not going to be a flake anymore; and I will live like the complete person I was purposed to be IN Christ, relying fully on Him.
Oh how have I missed writing!... anyways I am soooo going to need helping packing up the rest of my apartment. Any takers? My I'm-a-mess-ness has translated into a sort of pandemonium with my remaining belongings. :)
No comments:
Post a Comment