So why don't you just tell him how you feel?

As I have referenced, more than one friend has asked me why I do not simply express myself to the guy that I like (think is the most awesomest ever). I've addressed the question before, but now as I continually grow closer to God, the reply has expanded.

Today I told my friend that I'm not going to pursue him and attempt to override or speed up what God may or may not be doing. I have a LONG history of stepping out of line and trying to make things work that aren't supposed to happen or that need to happen in their own time. The right man will pursue my heart as Jesus has, undeniably and relentlessly so. There will be no guess work. If I have to initiate it all, then he's not that guy.

Essentially, I am relying on God to STAY IN MY LANE, which I have a difficult time doing.

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I know I wanted to address the guy thing, but let me tell you about what God is doing in my life. I recently decided not to go to the Guatemala mission trip because I didn't feel like I was preparing in the right way. It all seemed hasty. Really, it feels like He is telling me to allow Him to show me what He can do in my life right now... like without sending me to another country. He is showing me that His power is not constrained by geographical location. He can do major transformation and shift my entire life paradigm without me even leaving my apartment if He felt so inclined!

Can something be cloudy and bright at the same time?? Well, it seems that my future is. I know that God is going to use me somehow and that it will be great, but I am so unclear as to how that is. All I know how to do right now is to continue and pray for clarity and put one foot in front of the other in this job search. I know what I came to this Masters program to do, so I'm applying for those positions as they come available, but what if there is something else that God has for me?? I ask him to cue me into His vision for my life. "All I need is a peek right now, Lord" I say... but I don't feel like I've seen it yet. I just hope that I'm doing what He wants me to be doing.

And oh, I have found the International House of Prayer (www.ihoptallahassee.org). I heard about it when I first moved here in 2007, but my heart was in netherland and I wasn't ready. But now, I mean it's great. If I could be there all the time, I would be... but I've been going once a week. Starting with this week, I'm going to expand to twice a week. It's just great. A great place to feel God's presence, to be around strong people who have devoted their lives to God and to hear awesome music! It's really beautiful. I find it super sad that I'm finally making connections in Tallahassee but it seems that my moving away is set. I've enjoyed volunteering and helping out at my church. Sigh...

I think I'm happy though....or slowly getting there. I haven't felt this free in years... or ever.