Today begins a new journal...

Today begins a new journal... This is real talk. I won't be sugarcoating this blog. It is what it is... except I won't be officially calling people out on here. Well here goes...

I'm preparing to be alone, like really alone... or alone and surrounded by happy couples while I desperately would like to be happy and a couple. What can you really say though? I know that my roomate and this dude are probably going to end up dating and I'm doing the best I can to be cool about it and make sure I'm not internally doing the whole hater thing. I promise you I want to be happy for her, but at the same time I wish my stuff was figured out too. I know... whiney whiney whine. Yeah, I chose this. I chose this one year of not having a boyfriend, but to be honest I don't think I'd have one now if I DID choose to go back on my word, or had I better yet, not ever made the decision I made. I think the prospects that are nonexistent would still be absent. I'd still be in love with SB had I decided to try not to love him and get a new man. I am convinced that ultimately I'm happier this way. Alone, but trying to figure things out... trying to figure out this me, myself and God thing. What's really good Jesus?! What's really going on here? Nobody seems to understand me. It's like I'm speaking another language when I get right down to the things I think about and the things that speak to me and the vibes I get about certain things. I am not an island but Lord I feel like one. So this is what being an alien is like? Well I'm glad I got my green card, but what does that really mean? It seems like that works in two ways, it reminds me that I don't belong in this world because I'm not supposed to but sometimes I feel like it gives me license to pose as a citizen. Why am I so bent on going my own way with things instead of your way? It's like I just can't seem to muster up the heart to change the direction... so here I am, still... still in the mire I've accumulated for myself over this trial. I guess I'm waiting for that definitive moment in my life where I can for once and for all be definitively firm about my decision to follow you. I must be expecting reckless abandon to be easy or something. That must be the lazy me speaking. Why is the world so much more attractive to me right now than what God's doing though I KNOW He's calling me out by my name "Come back little lamb, follow your Good Shepherd..." But God what if I find that what you want me to do is not as fun as what I've been doing? What is fun though? I need to rearrange my definition of fun. Does 'fun' mean to escape the harsh tangibility of the reality of a hollow soul? Why is fun for me the equivalent of reckless abandon into a world that means me harm? Let me tell you, I've seen the other side and I thought I KNEW that God was doing way bigger and better things... but maybe I didn't see enough... but deep down I know that NOTHING can come close to matching what God has in store for me. Maybe I've dematured into not being able to delay gratification or maybe its that my gratitude is delayed. Thank you Lord for being there for me... When's the last time I said that and meant it for much more than the 911 prayers I've become a pro at pitchin at Him when it's convenient for ME. And what happened to all the changes I was going to make in my excitement as a single in Christ. It's all been wasted time I tell you. I waste time in every aspect of my life and it sickens me to be content with mediocre. I guess if I'm sickened I'm not really content, but dawg... really though. I feel so stuck... and yet He speaks to me still, never giving up... patiently waiting for my return to that place where I need to be. Lord don't allow me to wait too long...

'tis the season to be spoken for and i have no man...
i don't know how i can be expected to get USED TO this.