You wouldn't understand what I was trying to say even if I did put all of my thoughts in order...
God is obviously telling me in a whole bunch of different ways to WAIT. I'm not good at waiting. I'm rather impatient about a lot of things, but I've gotten better. I was bad last night. I need to pull it together, but I'm struggling with not really wanting to. It's weird how u think u know something but you know nothing. Of course nobody knows me now because I'm in a constant state of change (yes, that would be an oxy moron). And my undecision about that thing I was talking about is the decision to wait. All of the flags that have gone up say wait. I am tempted by the glory of doing it now and I've played boo boo the fool all semester, but I'm not going be THAT dumb... Is dumb a continuum? Are there levels of what it means to be dumb or is dumb just dumb no matter how dumb it is? Those questions really don't merit an answer I'm just thinking. I feel like God is sitting back like "this heffa done lost her mind" but at the same time He refuses to give up on me and there's also a lot of things He will just NOT let me do... and when I think I want to try or a opportunity presents itself it just "goes all wrong" or actually right because it didn't need to happen. He's preserving the me I have left. Last night could have been a complete nightmare but something held me together a lot firmer than I may have thought. Nobody worthwile pays any attention to me because I'm so ugly on the inside right now. Whatever I thought could remain of me and SB has died like a flower in a frost... not because I don't care about him anymore, it's just that....
Maybe the flower is a perennial and maybe God will one day breathe new life into it, but I believe it had to die. That sounds awful doesn't. A lot has died. I'm so heavy.
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