o r d e a l

God brought me through it today... perhaps the crappiest paper of my undergraduate career and a very humbling presentation. I'm tired as heck. I'm certainly tired of all that is human... at least for a little while. Humans will always let you down. You just have to love them for what and who they are. The only way to do that is with God though... I need to return to the Love Source because I've had my fill of dealing with people. I've all but written off a few people. It seems like God is releasing me from thinking that I would be forever connected to a certain person in my life... or maybe I'm just salty with him for whatever reason, maybe just for his humanness. I do know that there is no hope outside of God though. If you put your hope in people or rely on them to make you happy, you'll be forever let down and eventually you will be utterly hopeless... and forget trying to balance your life such as to make everyone else happy. It's really all supposed to be about Jesus, this life thing. As much as I keep figuring that out for my life I never seem to be able to make the necessary steps to live it out... so I just keep relying on people, counting on people, not meaning to but then being ultimately let down in some way, large or small. It hurts. God is the only One who can give us the strength, patience, love, kindness to coexist with the imperfections of those around us... People like me tend to expect a form of perfection from everyone around us. Although we know we're not perfect it's like "Gosh, doesn't she or he see that...blah blah blah?!" We really do forget that we are not perfect and everyone is made differently to be partial or receptive to different things. While something might bother me, it may not affect the other person or it may even be something he or she embraces.

But no one understands me, like nothing I say hardly. They just don't GET IT. I guess that's because maybe the Holy Spirit is speaking to me about all of this specifically and NO ONE else is supposed to understand. I think that's it. And I'm not really speaking on this entry specifically, just what I say and what I think and I know I'm not going crazy. God's transforming how I see things. I'm starting to see that everything He shares with me is not up for review with everyone else, certainly not in the early stages of development/conviction. This means that either you people will have to deal with not understanding me... or I will just create a new blog and not tell you about it. The latter idea sounds better because I HAVE to get all of this out, and pen and paper is not the same as on here. I'm not writing for your appreciation or understanding, but at the same time if you are going through something similar or have been in my situation before do holla at me. :o)
Posted on 12.7.2005 at 9:50 PM