My Analysis of the E Situation:
This experience largely has been a way for me to see a number of things. The way I've been living hasn't been working for me or particulary spiritually or emotionally healthy. I've begun to base my worth on how others (not God) view me... or maybe I was always like that and it was just disguised when I dated Sean. I've been living like a leaf in the wind for the most part... living on whims, whichever way the wind blows me. In doing that, I've been completely acting out of God's will for my life... well outside of how He would ideally want me to act. My heart wants to be there with Him, but the rest of me is ALL OVER the place. I'm blessed that I haven't fallen into sexual activity again. That's nothing short of a miracle for my life please believe. I can tell I was acting out of His will because every red flag the Holy Spirit threw up, I ignored it and pressed on in the wrong direction although I really saw it. I didn't want to see the warnings. I know there has to be a Divine reason that I was ALWAYS busy when dude called me trying to make plans (unless he was playing games then too, which he might have been). God has allowed me to do myself harm, but He hasn't allowed me thus far to crash and burn so I need to figure this out soon... He's giving me the opportunity. Iight, so E didn't call when he was supposed to because maybe it's a mixture of him not following up on his word and God's needing for him to not call me. I don't know, but I'd like to see it that way. One of the major issues here is that unless there is a major twist in my life's story, God will not allow me to meet my future husband (Spiritual Leader, Warrior for Christ, Family man) in a freaking Club most likely. I mean, the strong man of God that I'm waiting for would be furthering the kingdom of God not partying with the Kappas... unless if maybe he's trying to pass out flyers for something hype at church. On that same note. A man of God who happens to meet me up in a club is NOT going to ask for my number if he sees me up in a club drinking and dancing because he's looking for Proverbs 31, the Virtuous Woman. He knows that Proverbs 31 is nothing like the club persona I put on. I realize now that E was attracted to my club persona, my club mask. I was hiding who I know I am to be in Christ. All the bumping and grinding and acting a fool is not what I want my man to be attracted to. I want him to see my heart, my passion for writing and talking to people about what's on their heart, my love of music and my family... My heart was absent that night at the club. It was absent the other night at the bar too. Ironically... or hypocritically I was wearing my cross necklace and my (no lie) turquoise 'Jesus is Awesome' t-shirt with white lettering. I couldn't forget the fact that I had it on. I was a little self conscious because I was dressed like a high schooler... nevermind the t-shirt, but I had on tennis shoes and a white sash on my head. Why did I CARE?! I hate that I cared. I knew I didn't really belong there at the bar... maybe eating at one of the tables, but not just sitting at the bar with the sole purpose of drinking. And to think I continued to entertain the thought of E because he was attractive and older than me and represents worldly security... ignoring the fact that he didn't show any fruits of spiritual maturity or security... but then again can I point a finger? Was the fruit of the spirit evident in how I was behaving on the two specific occasions involving him? Heck no. How dare I have the nerve to expect more when I know how to be more but I don't do it. Ask me when was the last time I got down on my KNEES and cried out to God. My heart has been so hard and cold and unwilling to bend... or maybe it's a spiritual/mental block I have going on too. I also kept considering E I think because of this verse:
16 To the woman he said,
"I will greatly increase your pains in childbearing;
with pain you will give birth to children.
Your desire will be for your husband,
and he will rule over you."
That is what God says to Eve after she and Adam eat from the Tree of Knowledge, Good and Evil. While my interpretation of the scripture in red can be shallow at best I think it explains how easily attached women can get to men, like thinking about them and hoping they will call( like I was doing)... when the man isn't necessarily thinking about the woman all that much... unless it's love or something. But like I said, my description is shallow at best. I naturally get somewhat attached to people pretty easily though I think. I have to catch myself on it because I know that it's not healthy for me. Usually I do pretty well with, but this particular case was blunder after neverending blunder. My life is so Romans 7(particularly beginning with verse 7) right now, but I need a man who can understand what I mean when I say that... and that doesn't sound like E. I mean, you be the judge. Given the evidence I've presenteed here you have to say no, it doesn't. I'll wrap this up with a message for E:
E,
I'm sorry I had to call you out, but I felt like this journal needed to be clear and open because I feel like I've been lying to myself and painting a different picture of myself than I've been acting. It's important for the folk who know me to know my struggles and see what my walk is like so they can not make my same mistakes or so that they can pray for me or point things out to me. I'm sorry that when you met me you may have thought I was someone else, because I portrayed myself in not-really-me sorta way that night. I'm not sorry that I was attracted to you... and for the Amaretto-induced meanie voicemail. I've learned a lot more about what I want and don't want for myself... and about what God wants for me. That apparently is not who you are at the moment, but I can honestly say that I don't have any hard feelings. I'm just glad that I didn't act more stupider than I did. Also, I was serious. You should check out Destiny Metropolitan Worship Church sometime. It's a great church. Just call or email me if you would like to know more about it. Even though I have not behaved myself in such a way as to show that Christ is working in my life, I hope my view on this whole experience counts for something. If I never hear from you again, take care.
*name changed (or shortened a lot to protect identity... not that it probably really matters)
The Background Info: This should fill the blanks from the previous section
Before I begin, let me say this.... WHY IS IT SOOO COLD?! I obviously am not cut out to live very far north of here. I had to stop by my apt and change clothes while I was making deliveries for work today.
Ok, real talk... I'm really just going to put it out there. Basically I've been trippin for a long time, doing a lot of stuff that I wouldn't have done last year because I was convicted about it... or at least I thought I was... or maybe that was just Sean's influence on my life. Anyways, you could say I've been 'living it up' worldwise, going to whichever parties or clubs I feel like going to, dancing however on whomever I want, drinking moderately still (thank God), cussin up a storm (when I get mad or excited), slacking off BIG TIME on school work (still making A's and B's somehow though). It all started this summer after I lost my closest friend and confidant.
So anyways, I met this dude named E* at the Kappa party at Dragonfly a few weeks ago. Well I met him after he and I danced through a good number of songs. He was cute and seemed cool, so I gave him my number (like those should be reason enough). He was the only person I had danced with that night cuz for some reason I didn't really feel like dancing before then. Maybe it was the amaretto sour and the 2 rum and cokes I had consumed over the course of the evening. Anyways, giving him my number was probably bad choice number 1 for this whole thing. I mean if you want to get technical you could say I shouldn't have gone to the club in the first place and maybe I could have drank less, but we'll stick with that being mistake number 1 for now. Iight, so Vicki and I leave the club a lil before the party ends to go take care of some drunk friends of hers at Sutra... that takes a while. E calls me around 3am-ish I think talkin bout I just wanted to see if you and your girl made it back safely, so I thought 'Aw that was sweet.' We talked for a minute about the vitals, basically like what are you doing with your life and what are your priorities. He seemed straight: successful, goes to church when he goes home which is like somewhat often, the fact that I thought he was rather handsome I guess allowed me to overlook the seemingly light church commitment. I tried to kind of figure out his motives. He was basically sayin that he wanted to 'get to know me better.' I made it clear that I was saving myself for marriage (not that my actions at the club would have backed up that fact). He said he'd call me tomorrow... and he did, so I'm like cool... but dang I was busy... or I was supposed to get back and study that night so he was like call me when you're available... so I did, and then he was like I'll call you right back. Right back turned into never. Bad choice number 2, I texted him the next day like 'you forgot about me.' What kinda stupid mess was that? I sometimes have the nerve to pride myself on being particularly tactful when it comes to dudes... but that mechanism broke down in the case. I was probably delusional all along. When he didn't return my call Saturday night, I should probably have just written him off, but I went on. I prolly sent him a few texts that week. When I was free( having no more work to do) the Tuesday before Thanksgiving break, I texted him like "Yes, no more work to do for a minute'... and then he texts me the next day talking about 'so, ur free? what are you doing?" Well of course I was in the car with my parents on the way to Mississippi seeing as how I had been free the day BEFORE when I said so. I sent him a text saying that, but saying I'd be back on Saturday and what not... At some point during the break, probably when I got back and didn't hear from him at all. I took his number out of my phone... and every text msg to or from him because I knew I deserved a lot better treatment than that. But at the same time, I wasn't acting like Proverbs 31 so why should I have been treated as such?.....
Exactly... but I knew that and I'm not sure why I continued entertaining the thought of spending time with him. Thing is, I had left one message for him on my phone... and this past Wednesday (I think) I texted him saying he should check out Destinations on Friday. No reply, not surprised but when he called me Saturday around noon I had plans and he told me to call him when I was available so 2 hrs later I did, but then he was like I'm busy I'll call you back. I can't believe I expected him to call me, how dumb. I really fell into the dumb chick stereotype that I've usually been so able to avoid. So... guess what, no call... I texted him (another bad choice) around 9:00 that evening telling him that he sucked, so he calls me. I'm like 'you're trife, you didn't call me back. Me and my friend are going to the movies at Atlantic Station.' He said some stuff like 'yadda yadda... call me when you get out of the movie.' So Vicki and I go get our tickets for Aeonflux, we each have a drink before the movie (I've rediscovered that I do, in fact, like well made Cosmopolitans). The movie was nice. I hit him up after the movie (shouldn't have done that) and he's like I'm in the Sports Bar (the one in Atlantic Station... shoulda been another red flag for me really). He's like,'I'll call you when I leave here. It should be about an hour..'(honestly half of me was like 'yeah right' but the dumb side was like hopeful). In a few minutes me, Vicki and Mika found ourselves at the bar for an event that was going on. I wasn't gonna tell him I was there for a number of reasons... obviously he was busy, plus I didn't feel like I was dressed/cute enough. I thought I looked a little juvenile cuz I hadn't planned to end up there that night. Also I didn't recognize him until the very end of our bar tenure. We three ladies sat at the bar. Mika's ID gets questioned even though she was the older our of all of us. I'm sitting there mad, half talking, half listening, half watching the tv screens... just a little preoccupied with whether or not E would call. Figuring he wouldn't. I had two Amaretto Sours, didn't affect me. I really love how they taste. So we continued sitting at the bar, make conversation with a 45 and 32 year old from New Orleans (dudes of course). Well over an hour had past since I'd spoken to E on the phone, so I'm salty by then, but less than surprised. However, a somewhat intoxicated looking E rolls up on Vicki (who is sitting beside me) gets in her face like he recognizes her, which he would moreso than me cuz he was facing her the whole time I was dancing in front of him that one night at the party.. Then he walks off with his boys... blue shirt and a hat I think. He really didn't see me at all... unless he saw me from far off and guessed that it was me. I pay the tab. I send him a 'we're leaving the bar bar now message.' Why?! That's my point exactly. We leave. Vicki drops me off at my car (by this point I have gotten it in my mind to leave an ugly voicemail... yet another bad choice, but purposeful I think). So I call him up and I say something like "Don't worry about calling me me anymore because I don't like people who play games. I thought that by you being 6 years older than me you'd be more mature, but I guess not. Well have a nice life and... I hope you grow up." Needless to say the Amaretto was CLEARLY talking for me to have said such things on a voicemail!... or to have even contacted him again the same night. So... a few minutes later he calls as I'm driving to the ULC (dorm for non GT folks) but I can't hear what he's saying because he's in a loud place so I hang up. He calls a few times and I struggle to hear what he's saying then he's like I'll call you when I leave here... so I'm like 'whatever you're not going to call me.' He's like 'yeah I will.' I'm thinking nigga please...surprised I didnt say it though. It was already 2:45am and he's only managed ONE TIME to call when he said he would. So I just went to sleep. Then Sunday morning I texted him and left him a voicemail inviting him to my church.... which I felt weird/stupid doing, but I didn't feel like it was a bad choice. Then last night I texted him with the URL to this journal and saying I'd leave him alone after this(every trace of his number is erased from my phone) but that he should at least read what I have to say about the situation because I have a lot to say and he can call me if he has any questions... so here it is. The analysis is the most important thing about the whole situation tho.
God is good, let me tell you.
Posted on 12.5.2005 at 11:06 AM
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