one of those moments

This is one of those pensive moments I seem to have in my life often. I am taking inventory of what's really going on around here. I must say that I like how things are shaping up. I mean of course there's still a lot that's an ABSOLUTE MESS going on with me, but I've put it all into perspective. I'm not happy, but I'm also not hopeless. Yesterday was a hugantic step for me and a large move in my life. I just realized that it was time for me to move on. I needed to close that book so I did. It's not really about my social situation right now. I need to be free from those emotions. When all is quiet and I feel alone will I still feel this way? I'm sure I will. Thinking about it since I've been here has allowed me to make my decision to free myself. Nothing's holding me back now. I'm not holding myself back. I'm free to be who I am. Lol, that sounds like I'm trying to come out of the closet... NO, its really not like that, especially with recent events and feelings. For the first time in a long time I remember what it's like to have a passionate kind of chemistry. It may be largely unrequited, but hell... what can you do? I'll just keep on living.

I'm not going to lie though. I'd be hurt if I found out that was the case or that I was being strung along. Sometimes I feel invincible and other times I feel so susceptible... like stereotypical passive girl. You know, wait for dude to call you type of thing. 'Been such a long time I forgot that I was fine...' (Erykah Badu Lyric from 'Kiss Me on my Neck') I've been suffering from a lacking self esteem. I really forgot how likeable and attractive I am. I'm really not tooting my own horn though. I'm well aware that many personalities may percieve my personality as lame or goofy, but I wouldn't want anyone who couldn't appreciate that large part of who I am. Sure, you can make fun of the fact that I like to watch Powerpuff Girls and I drive around on top of a Minnie Mouse pillow in my driver's seat (so I can see over the steering wheel) but if you don't think it's cute, then that's your problem. :o) There are different facets to my personality and if I let you see the lame side it means I'm comfortable around you so take it as a compliment... or maybe that's not true. Mostly I'm just me. I'm not my lame self in the club though, I become Miss Sexy and Mysterious. I have to assert the grown and sexyness while I'm still young ya know? Dang it feels good to reclaim myself. I have spent so much time actively trying to think like and be someone I'm just really not ... I don't know what to do with myself really. This is just such a relief... but for how long. Was the other life I lived fulfilling? Is this one? I need to find that comfortable medium between the two, the reconciliation point. I know that no one can serve two masters, but the change must be solid in me before it can become me. It's uncomfortable being someone you're not... the dissonance becomes too great.

I still miss the intimacy I used to have and I know that I must seek it in God. I keep asking him relentlessly to give me this one thing I really want. I wonder how tenacious I have to be. He probably doesn't feel like listening to me right now about this particular thing, but I can't blame Him. I just hope that he will give me this one thing. The other things matter, but I feel so sure about this one thing I want... almost to where I am ok if it's not the best thing for me. No, I'm not asking for something that would be obviously outside of His will for me like to make it possible for me to murder someone... that would be absolutely crazy.

It's just that I've never felt this way before, so tenacious, so sure about this one thing I must have. Maybe that is the obssessive in me speaking again, but I must continue to ask until I get the answer that I want. I can't help it. Passion has returned to my life and I must act upon it and seek after it.

Young... Restless... Me...