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All day I've been trying to work up the energy to write up here. Well, Merry Christmas. Let's get that out of the way first. It's early yet and I have not slept yet, but today seems promising... but how about yesterday, or earlier today (Christmas Eve)

Well I was at church listening to one of the elders pray with my eyes closed and my mind just slipped into the gutter, whoa. I opened my eyes though and got back on track but I had traveled to thoughts of kissing this one particular person that I'm fond of. Thass crazy man. I'm glad I was able to focus when I opened my eyes. I really don't know what made me think of him randomly like that you know? Trippin. I didn't think I was really considering him in my psyche that much. Ah well. One should dare to dream huh? At any rate, it is what it is... whatever that is. I was thinking that today I would share my dreams with you... but I am feeling like today is not that day anymore. I know I talk about my desires and things a lot on here but there are a lot of things I haven't just come out and say... like this one thing that I want the most in my life (aside from a close relationship with Jesus).

Anyways... the rain outside is coming down pretty hard and it's thundering. I am glad that I probably won't have to leave the house later today. I like looking at rain but I dont like to be in cold rain... I don't like being cold at all actually. Like I said in a previous entry, 'Tis the season to be spoken for.' Did you catch that I was talking about being in a relationship, which I'm not? Lately, the drive for a new love interest has really increased, but I think it's waning. I've seen and heard a lot of things recently in relationships around me that make me glad I'm single. I do know that I will always be happier with someone than without though, because I'm all about relationships with others and companionship. The thought of being an old maid really petrifies me, but what if that's God's plan for my life?! I think that would be very difficult for me to deal with.

Last weekend was really a preview of what I forgot that I was missing. That's not to say that it's worth me jumping into something right now regardless of my decision... but I'm sayin though... I'm in a situation that could go either way. I'm hoping that it will blow in the direction I would like for it to... but how often does that happen when I actively want something for myself... not often. Having said all of that and griped my little two cents I'll be realer:

Despite a few dark spots here and there, my life hasn't been absolutely awful. God has blessed the mess out of me and I am so thankful that I know He's even here now while I feel around for another path to Him. (I wasn't able to get my footing in the one that I was on... it wasn't made for me) He has been faithful, patient and everloving and I am just so thankful that God gave his son Jesus so that I might have eternal life in communion with Him. I know this may sound like a contradiction to everything I may have said in this journal previously, but honestly I have a lot rolling around in my heart right now. Spiritually, it's near turmoil and I'm seeking what's real...

Merry Christmas (again)!