I like what this journal is turning into. I really say what I want... (although not at the expense of others). Here's more of what goes through my head...
Sometimes I hate the subjectibility of being a girl/woman/female... sometimes I love it. What I mean is that females have been designed by God to bear certain things (as are males in their own way). We are naturally inclined to desire a certain response from a guy. We bear the pain during our first experiences with sexual intercourse (most of us do anyway). I just feel like in a lot of ways we are subjected... even though I didn't provide that many examples. It's just how we are wired. Some of us can choose to deny and reject this reality of our existence and component of our eternal purpose but in the end it will always be there in some amount repressed or expressed. What's there to love about it? There's a certain sensitivity about being so vulnerable at times. Even though one might continually question herself "Why, why did I have to leave him my blog addresses, email, facebook name, AND cell phone number?!" It's still like, I don't know... there's just a nice quality to that in a way. I can't put a finger on it. It's like your heart decided to act and express before you could subdue it and play it cool and decide "Hmm, maybe the blog address is sufficient, you don't want him to think you're crazy or immature... if HE wants to get back in touch with you, he'll find a way." When we are impulsive our hearts make the first move. I guess that's part of why we need to constantly make sure our hearts are right... with God that is. When's the last time I REALLY did that? I KNOW mine is off... so maybe that's why He and I haven't had that talk yet.
I had the strongest urge today. There is a middle aged woman up at my school getting her EE degree... I mean after career, husband and children. I admire her so much. She was talking to me today and she just looked soooooo tired. It made me very ashamed that I bother to complain about the little bit I may be thinking I'm going through. I just kept thinking that I wanted to send her to some spa or something. I feel bad because I'm sure I won't be sending mommy to a spa any time soon... but that's not the point. Problem is... I don't know the lady well at all so how do I get her something that should be somewhat pampering, but not overstep my financial means or her personal comfort. So yeah, I'm thinking a gift certificate would be nice. At the same time though, a spa would be more fun with company. I guess I'll talk to my mom about it. There's that impulse though cuz I was just like "What's your address? I want to send you something over the break?" She doesn't even KNOW me, but I have to do something for her... I know she can take care of herself but she needs a treat. I gotta pray about what to do for her though. I really believe that it was a Divine urging. I don't want to mess this up.
I am so in love with writing right now. I wouldn't go so far as to say that it's what get's me out of bed in the morning (seriously, right now... I don't know why I keep continuing from day to day. I'm out of touch with what my life is supposed to mean.) Writing is just so therapeutic for me. Surely a lot of people can't connect with what I mean when I say that, but it's cool.
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