Seriously, why...

do I put myself in these situations. I know this isn't what I need and this isn't what I want, but here I am again. I'm twisted and in a situation where I'm completely misunderstood. It's clear that there is a difference in hearts here. How dare I, a daughter of God, put up with the presence of a man who doesn't even know how to properly address me in a respectful way as a female. I could really kick myself in the ass. I guess my lonliness has officially jumped up and bit me in the butt. This is not worth it. Even this situation makes me feel like I'm being devalued, with every second, every minute, every hour.... the truth that God wants so much more for me reverberates constantly "This is NOT what God wants for you. You are meant to have so much more. You've had so much more, so what's wrong?" Well maybe it's that better doesn't want me right now. I've learned that settling is not something I need to do, but why have I allowed myself to be in this type of company with a guy who is upfront about his not wanting a relationship, while I know I sure as heck would like one... though not with him? I continue wasting my time in frivolity overlooking all that has meaning. I am meant to love and to be loved. I don't have time to be in a situation where I can do neither. This is just not cute anymore. I have seen a man of God, a good man. Will somebody tell me what the HELL is going on here?! I frustrate myself. All I do is yield to myself, me me me... what about what God wants for me seriously? I can't keep living like this. When it's right, it's right. When it's wrong, it's wrong and I have to accept God's judgment in the matter. He is telling, pleading with me to wait, just WAIT. I ridicule other's inability to delay gratification and here I am 'chillin' with a poor girl's Sean... Sean's polar freaking opposite. Everything I don't want in a man, except for this dude is fine (Sean is fine too, so I guess opposites didnt apply there). Also, it bothers me that my mother only knows that I met this guy. If I can't be upfront and let her know about the situation, then how in the world can this even remotely sit right on my heart. It can't, there's no way. That's why I had to write this.