Break

So this is the end of my last undergrad Spring Break, and I spent it with family. I tried staying in Atlanta, but I felt soooo alone. I can appreciate solace, but 3 days straight of spending the whole day alone is not fun for me. I know God is there, but do I REALLY know that in my heart of hearts? I think I'm scared to investigate the situation for fear and amazement that it may actually be true, as He has said to me repeatedly in his word and through the mouths of others.

"Hemmed In"? Well that points to my deep feeling that God is keeping nearly everyone and everything I want or thought I needed around me just out of my grasp. I don't say this for anyone to feel sorry for me or to try to be a 'better friend' or whatever, because I know that all is well and all will be well. Someday (today is not that day, however) I will be able to look back this time in my life and see that this is one of the best times of my life because if nothing else is certain, Jesus is calling me unto Himself. I've always wanted to be wanted, and He wants me. My issue here is that I'm letting my fear hinder the process.

For whoever wants to save his life will lose it, but whoever loses his life for me will find it. ~Matthew 16.25

So that's my hang up, in spite of all that He's done and the daily abandonment I feel on some level or another I remain afraid to lose my life for His sake, although surely the life I could have in Him would be so much better than now. I don't know what I'm holding on to, clenched fists in all their stubborn stupidity and hesitation. I'm only blocking the blessings that are to come, KNOWING that this is a time of preparation... for what? Well for a greater scope of the vision He's given me, my specific ministry and, well, my husband. I know these things. The sooner I jump into this thing, the sooner we can get things moving. I claim to advocate "Let go and Let Flow," but I don't understand why I'm too crippled to LET GO of the crappy life I lead and LET the Essence of God(His Spirit) FLOW through me encapsulated in His deep love for me, the love I've never allowed myself to feel and wallow in.

Everytime I feel ready to just go for it I head into a ridiculously busy point in my life (say, the next 4 weeks of classes). Clearly this is a trick of the Enemy to block my potential, but I find myself too feeble to even pray for the strength to overcome this ailment. In spite of this seemingly hopeless situation I realize that [contrary to what I originally thought] I have spent time wallowing in God's beauty without recognizing it. I have adored His splendor and even at times felt at ease in His presence. These moments happen on very pretty days when the sun is gleaming through the clouds, flowers are radiant even and I sit outside and walk REALLY slow to make deliveries for work... or straight leave work early to enjoy the day. In these moments, I feel peaceful, calm, cheery, gentle. In these moments I am most comfortable in who I am, not the mousey girl people have grown accustomed to seeing, but Me. I become the me that I keep veiled from those I don't regard as close, the me that I'm afraid to reveal for fear of cool rejection. In these moments, I am most beautiful because I begin to tune into the heart I know God has for me. Who knew that the shy quiet person who doesn't make waves is this bubbly smiley person who loves to be happy and laughing, and relaxed, who loves to connect with others, heart to heart? It is not my desire to remain inhibited. My desire is that through God's love for me, my inner beauty would be and remain unveiled. There in His Spirit I can be FREE (2 Cor 3:17) to share who I am with others and expose my vulnerability trusting that I must no longer feel that I have to shield myself from others because He is my protector.

...Back to the Spring Break narrative tho...
I got to Aug early Wednesday morning and slept the ENTIRE day away, as I did most of Thursday but not so badly on Friday... well maybe. I talked on AIM in the evenings after my family went to bed. O yeah, had an interesting conversation with someone about my 7.5 rating in a previous journal. I'm not a rating type of person...' Rate not, lest ye be rated.' I don't know why I put that up there on that particular entry on that particular day. Maybe I thought that you might say something, but that would mean that I expected you to read my blog, which I definitely didn't. If retrospective censorship was my thing, I'd fix other entries I've written, but it's whatever. I refuse to be uptight about my life situations. What will be will be, what won't won't and that's simply that. I'll keep my prognosis to myself though.

I am NOT excited about returning to Tech. I am aware that it's my last month of school, HOWEVER, I have 3 projects to complete rather quickly, one includes a 30 minute presentation. Umm, I don't DO those. I've realized that in spite of rumors that I can write, I can NOT talk to save my life. My goodness. I open my mouth and it's like I went dumb, especially in a social situation. I get tongue tied. That's also part of why few people get to see who I am... because I tend to keep my mouth shut. Maybe I'll drive back to ATL Monday morning. I could leave here at 9am and get there in time for the last hour of poetry class... Hmm... that actually sounds like a good idea. O yeah, I took my car to Sears Auto today to get it serviced... I got new tires and some other stuff. I pick the car up, drive around a bit to see if it sounds weird and the rear right tire section is making this weird knocking noise that is accompanied by a whistling sound. Clearly my car was not making the noise BEFORE I took it to them. Of course by this time the place was closed, so now I have to go up there with my dad in less than 7 hrs (when they open) to rough them up so they can fix it, and maybe I can get on the road before it's way too late this evening (not that I've ever cared before). I seriously think that I will stay until Monday morning though. Forget campus. Spring Break isn't over until it's over and I'm not ready to let go yet.
Posted on 3.26.2006 at 3:16 AM