so j a d e d

So tonight, I'm feeling pretty jaded with this whole life/love thing. It doesn't exist for me. Today went well though. I only had one class, and I got to see mommy and my favorite cousin plus I got a free meal. I might see my cousin tomorrow too. I realized a little while ago that I have the bad habit of giving my all in situations that don't matter, like in a too nice, cater 2 u kind of way. It's kinda obssessive. When it does count I keep my guard up so high and refuse to give even a little that it gets in the way of my life happening, then I wonder what happened. My ps2 got here today. I have no one to play it with though, well I do I guess but I don't want to play with them. It's like I'm alone and all perpetually, but I'm also picky with who I want to spend time with. Like, this dude who's been tryna get at me offered to take me out to DINNER and a MOVIE on Valentine's night and I said no. I coulda been taken out for FREE?! What is wrong with me?! Honestly, nothing. I knew we wouldn't have anything to talk about and that I don't like him like that. I couldn't have allowed myself to use up all his money and be misleading although I already told him I wasn't interested. Thing is, I got two things for Valentine's Day: Hypothetical flowers and a hug. I fell asleep watching a movie alone. That's the story of my life. No companionship, no intimacy, no sex. I can get along without the last thing as I have for years, even though it seems to be pervasive. The first two things I'll die if I don't have them. I'm surprised that I've been able to maintain an ounce of restraint when I've been confronted with the possibility to have those things though. It's like I either know that I'd be using the person cuz I dont really like them like that or I know it just wouldn't work out, but there's this one dude I reallly actually like. I'd simplify the things around me for him, but whatever... I'm actually about to open my bible and read a little bit.