Is is too fuqhing much to ask that my roomate and her boyfriend not take a shower together and do whoever the heck else knows what in MY apartment, the one I have to live in, the bathroom WE SHARE?! This is why I fuqhing hate living with people. I cleaned 50 million dishes last night that weren't mine. I'm tired of cleaning up after people. I try to be cool about it, and sometimes I am, but other times I wish it was just me living there. Fuqh if I would be alone. I'm fuqhing alone anyway. The only shoulder I had to cry on belongs to the reason I cry. Sure I could run to my friends and cry, but they have their own problems and they don't understand me or how deeply I feel things. I'm supposed to be the strong friend right? Sometimes I think maybe if I got raped or something then I'd have a real reason to cry (not that I'm tryna be raped, that's crazy. I'm not there yet). Honestly I don't think I'll ever be able to just go around crying in front of folk... that's really not me. I guess in that case most folk will never get to know what's really going on with me. I bet anyone who can see me today can tell that all I did last night was cry or maybe just that I'm sleepy if they're naive. I'm so screwed up that I walked all the way to the campanile at midnight to cry for an hour and a half by myself in 28 degree weather and you KNOW I hate being cold... well, you actually don't because you don't know me (unless I told you to read this).
So today here I am perpetually on the verge of tears over a situation I have absolutely no control over and I'm really frustrated because I can't even tell him how I feel, not really. I don't think this will ever go away, and I keep shutting God out, like that will make things better so I continue to sink deeper into my problems, deeper into myself, falling farther away. I continue the charade "She has it all together, she's about to graduate, she's really happy." I just get closer and closer to the point of completely losing it all. My life and mind are at such a delicate balance right now, I feel it. I wonder who can tell. My friend's boyfriend said I looked like I had just woke up... it was actually that I cried my eyes out last night. Even now as plain as you see me I'm crying. I can't just ignore this. I can't ignore the fact that we're not together, or that you didn't seem to appreciate my Christmas and birthday presents because that's how I show love. I have to push you away. It's a survival technique, because you just hurt by existing. It's never taken me this long to even begin to get over someone... and it's not that I haven't tried. Someone wonderful even likes me and I'm still stuck on you. I have a Valentine and I don't feel any better (not that I expected to). I wish I could just wipe you away like the others. It hasn't been easy trying to be there for you. Your birthday party was painful but I'd like to think I hid it well. Half the time I don't even want to go to Destinations anymore because I'll see you, but what problem would not going really solve? Plus, I like to hear how God is continuing to enhance your writing/performing gift. It's only right that one of us should be happy, and I can be happy for you, really. I just can't be happy for me.
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