Belle of the Ball

So... Leslie tricked me into going to the Onyx Ball. Only thing is (well there are a couple) I have no date, its the same night as Destinations, I was supposed to go home this weekend. Ah well, too late because I already bought my ticket, dress and shoes, plus I'm kind of excited. I havent bought my jewelry or figured out my hair yet though, but I know that will work out. Leslie is taking her non-black boyfriend. I thought it would be cool if i invited the guy I went out with on Friday night. I don't want him to feel like I'm just trying to make a statement by bringing him cuz he's white though. I don't care what anyone says abou him anyway tho, cuz he's black on the inside like an Uh oh Oreo. We're just cool though. I cant afford to be more than cool with anyone right now. It would be unfair to them. Things are weird, but I'll be straight up honest and say that I'm falling for someone who is 18. The fact that I describe it as 'falling for' means that there are obviously a lot of red flags. I think the last time I 'fell for' someone bad things happened. Ultimately me and Mr. 18 don't make sense, but there is no use in relying on your own pragmatism, so I'll ask God how he sees it. Relying on my pragmatism would have kept me from dating Sean, which (even tho I have countless journal entries disputing this) needed to hppen. I may be glorifying what we had, but I've never been so intimate(not physically) with a person. I felt that (I feel that) he knows me better than even my mom. I've known intimacy and lost it, which kind of sucks, but now I know what it can look like and I'm hoping that soon I will seek eternal intimacy in Christ. I'm back to baby steps now, but maybe they always were baby steps. In a way being with Sean blurred the decisions I sometimes felt I should been making on my own for my life, but he was like the bumpers on a bowling lane. If my life was a bowling ball he helped keep me out of the gutter. I needed that, so even though I feel, looking back now, that I was too dependent on hs decisions perhaps God was speaking to me through Him and that may have been the only way I could have heard God during some of that time. Trying to have peace about something in your life doesn't give you peace. I try to reconcile with the idea of not being with Sean, not hanging out with him or anything. I've just lost a big piece of my life. I wonder what or who else God will strip from my life. For now I will just show up at the ball, crimson gowned and alone as usual