Did my motivation get twisted somewhere along the way? Not eating meat, bread, pastries or most of the other stuff I consider tasty and not good for me has been bareable these past few days, so has not being on MySpace. All the while, I'm here missing the point, focusing on myself and the things I hate about my life, but not sharing these with God and acknowledging His place in my life... not the place I give him, but the place He should have in my life. I know that He should be my life, but I can't turn everything off. I won't confront silence because I guess I'll come face to face with how empty my life really is. I think it is good at least that I've decided against parties and clubs during this 21 day period in my life. Perhaps I may be able to hear the still, soft voice of God. Am I poised to listen though? All of my shortcomings and negative emotions and desires cloud my mind in such a way that I can't block them out. I keep running running running... from what, to where? I'll just find myself back here having never left, digging my heels deeper into the mess. This is what my life has become. I know this is not what I want. This is not what I ever wanted. All that I want is so far from me, intangible... so I participate in these exercises of futility hoping to relieve the uncomfortability... at least for a moment.
Posted on 2.5.2006 at 5:54 PM
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