beneath The Onyx Ball

Let's recap this... there I was looking fabulous and I showed up with my roomate and her boyfriend. I felt a bit like a charity case. Why was I showing up essentially alone? Are my pickiness of who I spend time with and my uneasiness with being alone fighting with each other? I felt so alone it was ridiculous. Even with knowing most of the people there, I felt like an outsider. I guess part of it was my dislike of small talk. I kept thinking, I don't usually spend much time during the week talking to these people, so why strike up a conversation about the weather now. I'm socially crippled when it comes to big events like that. I claim to like people, but mostly in one-on-one sitauations. I was near tears pretty much the whole time I was there. The only times I had a tiny bit of fun were when I was eating my overloaded saucer of food and then doing the electric slide and one other dance with my roomie. After dancing I sat by my young guy friend and I was bored to tears and felt really lame, kinda wanted to dance, but I don't dance by myself... when I'm around a lot of people. Victoria called me and rescued me from my pathetic situation and I went all the way outside (like on North Ave.) to talk to her. After that I went inside and collected my coat and just ran off like Cinderella. By the time I reached my dorm I had reached a resolution, there was nothing left for me to do but to get out of dodge. So I packed like a bat out of hell and about 30 mins later I was on 20 East not really worried about being all alone on the road at like 1am, which was kind of risky (but I made it here alive). I'm not sure yet when I will come back. Maybe tomorrow night, maybe Monday morning. I can't run home every time I slip further and further into whatever this is. I'm seriously depressed but too prideful to really let on, not even to God really. I try but I stop. One day I just woke up an emotional armadillo. I don't let people see me cry unless they are on my emotional v.i.p. list... and one name has recently been scratched off that list, so that leaves less people I will allow myself to be completely real around. When did I become emotionally crippled?! I don't let people see me cry when it's appropriate, like I don't cry at weddings or at tear jerker movies when I'm around people. I don't like funerals because I cry and people try to comfort me. I guess then I feel weak, which is what I am, but I don't like showing my vulnerability. I conceal my heart from others, unfortunately I'm concealing it from God as well. I really hurt.