tha fuQh

The semester started off well... it really did. It's a celebration but I must admit that I'm salty as hell now, utterly disappointed, disGUSTed and weirded the fuqh out by a situation in my life. What, am I supposed to be cool about it? How can I be? Taking out my frustrations on my poster on my door with my marker with words that feel appropriate is how I deal without getting in your face. I mean, by all means, please do you. I will do my thing. Just don't expect me to act like everything is hunky dory up in this piece... when really its fuqhed up because something has been introduced into my space that I planned against and dang sure didnt ask for. If I thought things were going to all go to crap like this I would have made better choices when choosing was to be done. I mean straight up I still consider you fam but I am pissed the fuqh off and I'm having a hard time forgiving this whole cycle that I tried to prevent but forgot was sooo much bigger than me and my miniscule words speaking small truths to a closed heart. Trying hard to forgive you for running full steam ahead into things I tried so hard (but not nearly hard enough) to keep you from. I can't seem to forgive myself for being this limp heap of Christian that I now am.... that I couldn't be there for you spiritually. Two people in quicksand aren't really good at helping each other out. While I woul like to think that I had one foot on solid ground straddling the boundary between the two, deep down I know that I, too, am sinking... but I guess I've grabbed a few solid things along the way to slow my process or keep me from losing sight of what's real. It's like I see this situation with you and where I am spiritual (or am not) and I know that this is not what God has for either of us and I'm just hoping that you can really see it. I can see the end to this (it's going to be ugly and extremelydifficult I think, but it will end). There will be so many pieces of you to be picked up but God will use it to creately a newly formed, fortified you. I'm having a hard time officially stepping out of this but he is widening my vision... and I know the blind don't effectively lead the blind when it comes to spiritual things... I just hope that my prayers for us both aren't in vain... how long will it be so painful for me to crack my heart open to Him and share what's really going on? Ya know, all smiley Christian happy face aside... this is the real deal.