thinking about it in hindsight more things are revealed to me about the nature of what was our relationship. i see now that maybe you were put in place just in the nick of time to save me from who i was quickly becoming and keep things from spinning out of control. you were my training wheels and now that you've been removed life is wobbly for me... yet i haven't quite fallen off. it's just that this time i understand that things can only spin out of control but so far and although i've lost my bearing i remain in reach of it. as each intense moment of sorrow breaks me down further i come closer to the brink of realizing me and realizing Him. He's never been realer to me than right now, because with every reason to fall apart, or fail... i make it.
end free write
i've been struggling with this crucial concept of 'them' and 'me'... i constantly feel like an outsider, well at least in most situations... not with the chicas of "The Sisterhood" but otherwise yeah. it's probably me not being all outgoing and super friendly but i do feel excluded and i made the mistake of sitting somewhere that i didn't exactly belong today at lunch. i hate i did that... it didn't exactly mess my day up, but it did give me a lot to think on and consider. maybe 'them' and 'me' is not so much an illusion as it is truth. will i forever spend time somewhere and leave without any type of imprint. that goes along with my being mediocre. all i know is that i never want to be where i'm not wanted anymore, but that's an unrealistic desire considering the nature of being a Christian... so i'm going to need for me to pull it together and really work with Jesus to become whole and accept myself as his creature, because right now... my self-disapproval is at a dangerously high level right now and sometimes i feel like i'm at my end...
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