Don't comment on this unless you have something immensely spiritual to add, because I'm not looking for anyone's pity or shallow interpretation of how they think I feel and what the solution should be.
I'm feeling so overwhelmed and the semester hasn't started yet. Maybe I need to be on Prozac or some Lithium... or maybe I'm just deciding to feel/be crazy knowing deep down that what's wrong with me is supremely spiritual. This is a clash of the wills and God is gaining on me by showing me that He's all I have or ever will have. My life is so empty yet so cluttered. I am going to purge my room this week of the meaningless crap I have that just takes up space... but it serves as a great metaphor for my 'life'. The walls feel like they are closing in on me. I am still sick of living with people and of being single, which sounds like two opposing ideas I know. I also know that I don't need a man I need Jesus. All I want to do now all day every day is to sleep but I know that I have an agenda of my own and agenda that I must ask God for. What's next Lord? How do I do all of this?
Will I ever be happy? The sun shines outside but I never let the Son shine on me or through me or use me. My life and actions have become nothing short of a testament to darkness, and the deeper I sink into it, the shallower and more meaningless my life becomes. First I must decide if I want to be saved from myself and then take the necessary steps prayerfully. I've almost turned my back on all that is spiritual and my world view is severely warped... Even with all of this I somehow find (or at least initially consider) a night in the stupid club more fun than sitting up in my room by myself with the bible and in prayer. The club has nothing to offer me but nothingness, meaninglessness and an empty soul, and I want to act out of the belief in my heart that God is all that matters and that Jesus is my companion and friend but I must not believe since my actions certainly don't follow. (Am I merely scared to let go of this crap that I consider my life and find out that God is real?!) I haven't even offered Jesus the opportunity to step in and be that companion for me. (Let's hope I wise up before He forces an opportunity.) That's what the whole year from relationships was supposed to be all about, but here I am digging a deeper spiritual void for myself just to be around people acting under the description of fun (hmm...poorly worded, I hope you got that). Girlfriends can be a blessing or a curse depending on who you hang with... When you KNOW you're not strong enough to hold your spiritual own, you need a spiritually strong set of friends. I've kicked my best friend to the curb for this nothingness and I refuse to reach out to him. It's not like he can help me.
I have to do this. I have to call on Jesus to help me and put me back together again, a new me.
I hate this me. I HATE this me. I HATE this ME. She curses like it's nobody's business, grinds on negros on the dancefloor at clubs and parties, can't seem to make it to church, talks about Jesus little, prays less, has no energy, very little drive, is depressed constantly, ever lonely, empty, self hating yet extremely selfish, dreads the coming of the next empty day of her life, barely motivated, rarely smiling, happiness faking, endlessly affection seeking, mean, vile, at times fake, greedy, judgmental, hypocritical, discontent, cold, broken, devestated, quiet, spineless, sluggish, worn, wishywashy, inconsiderate, introverted, settling, fretful, preoccupied, pathetic, lost, trudging, pointless, blind, numb, dead, prideful, embarassingly lazy, undeserving, stupid, crazy, passionless, always crying, insecure, scared, drowning, stuck, awful, not deserving of pity, superficial and trapped or at least feels like she is. I can't continue like this. It remains to be seen what the actual celebration of 2006 entails. I just know it hasn't manifested itself in my life as yet. I need a miracle.
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