mad crazy stupid ungrateful

I've allowed myself to succumb to the jealousy of that which God has saved me from. I mean sure I had a slip up at the end of last year, but really I continue to remain untouched... going on three years. The unfortunate thing is I'm starved for physical affection beyond that of your friendly hug... and with so much going on near me along those lines, it's got me feeling like I'm missing something. It just reaffirms the enemy's claims that I am all alone and unwanted. I was reminded tonight that this is a choice I make, to obstain... but at the same time, I remember that the ultimate choice I made was to give this over to God. Now He's taken it and turned it into so much more than I thought he could have when I decided to follow Him in this area of my life. It feels like if I tried to, I just couldn't. There's no way my spirit could be easy about all of that outside of the covenant of marriage. Call me crazy, but this is one area of my life that I know is anointed. The other areas are on review right now. The path ahead of me is a mixture of blur and clarity. Daily I complicate it more and more with my blind steps. I must seek Him with reckless abandonment.