I get it now. I realize that if I don't stop playing I will postpone which seems to be my destiny. I keep talking about graduating, but my grades are like what? How do you not participate in school-like stuff for a whole 4.5 weeks? I don't intend on being here past May, so I'm getting back in the game. I know God is going to bring me through tomorrow with my test on the French Revolution... in lieu of the dry books I didn't read, but after this, I'm going to get on my reading and assignments. Well, assignments are not the problem. I just hate to read. You have to stay in one place and concentrate for a long time on something you might not give a crap about. How is my teacher going to move next week's test to two days earlier? What kind of crap is that? I hate his stupid class anyway, because it frustrates me. I think he means well though. It's just that he sucks somewhat. I'm so lifeless right now. I don't really know how to explain how I feel. I feel hollow I guess. I'm also emotionally occupied and feel like I can't move on my life, not that I'd want to right now. Tomorrow is not promised, but there is no rush for me to cut emotional ties. I understand that I will not be able to enter into a normal relationship until that happens (among other things), but honestly I don't desire to be in one. I'm cool with being a friend that is a girl. That's all I could handle right now. As hard as it may be for me to admit, what Sean thinks or feels is really important to me. I'm like sensitive to what he'd be feeling about my acting a certain way. Don't get me wrong cuz it's not in a "that's my girl" type of way, it's just... I can't really explain that either. I lost my best friend. I know if you read my journal often you're tired of reading about my unresolved Sean issues, but I write what I feel and think...so there ya go. Have a nice day.
Posted on 9.22.2005 at 9:19 AM
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