Nisi

I have a new nickname now, but only my roomie can call me it. I like it better than Ginger. Do you what one of the anagrams of Ginger is? I won't spell it out.... anyways, that's not what this journal is about.

God is doing a really good job of showing me how people will always let you down and that I should never expect anything from anyone. That doesn't mean I will stop trusting people, but I probably won't expect them to do what they say they are going to do so much. I will find a balance there though, because that sounds a little extreme. Maybe if I do that, I will learn again to not be salty. I'm so tired of being suspended between who I was before and who I should be. I doubt anyone will understand what I mean by that, but I don't need human understanding. I am just so unhappy and frustrated right now. I need to get away from here. It's crazy because I see part of my vision, like one of the next steps, but I don't have the energy I need to make it. It would be wrong to say I'm not motivated, but something is wrong. I've become such a disgruntles cry baby lately. I'm tired of being let down and tired of feeling ultimately useless. No, I promise you I'm not suicidal... but when you see me and ask me how I'm doing, "Fine." is just the answer most people get... It's not real. Everyone would like to think that everyone is "fine" but who really is? There are people who are doing better than "fine" or doing "great" but many of us are ultimately "crappy" or at least feeling that way. Now I know that God is with me and He's doing a lot of things, but I also know that all of these things are occuring under the blanket of the spiritual chaos or stirring that I'm feeling. How is it to possible to be around so many people and feel sooooo lonely? I honestly don't know how I manage not to cry myself to sleep every night. Well, I know I manage because Jesus is with me, but the way I feel... I dunno.
Posted on 9.17.2005 at 8:22 PM