I'm feeling really worn out and it's really all my fault. I'm playing catch up with work, which leaves me little or no leisure time. After tomorrow (well actually today now), I can make more effective moves toward getting caught up in everything. I have to get past my PST 3127 quiz first. Then I can do my Human Dev. assignment for Thursday... along with some of the reading I need to be doing in that class for this week. I'm drowning in readings here. Oh well. All I can say is thank God that pass/fail exists. Enough surfacey stuff. That's not what I like to write on here. I guess I was just procrastinating (I'm really good at that).
When you see me, try to look past the smile I try to perform for you because inside I'm hurting. I don't like for people to see me hurt though, because I tend to be the person my friends unload their troubles on. I also don't like a whole lot of sympathy, because there is always someone going through something exponentially worse than what you THINK you might be going through. Maybe I'm scared that if I consciously unmask my emotions then people won't want to be around me. Who likes to be around sad people really? Of course my friends will stick with me. It's nice to know that. Even though I find it easy to whine about trivial things like not having anything to do on the weekends, I can't bring myself to whine about what's really going on. I don't know how others perceive my emotional state right now. I used to think I used to wear my heart on my sleeve. I promise you I wish I was happy, and I'm really trying to keep it together but at the same time I understand that keeping me together is something that Jesus is doing. So why do I hold on so hard? Over the years I've become an individual who is somewhat obssessed with being "in control" over particular aspects over my life. Why at the culmination at my tenure at Tech do I have to be confronted with this? As much as I want to go to Destinations on Friday, I don't want to go. I doubt that I will fight to sit up front this time. I don't want to sit up front, and I don't want to be reminded of how it was last year. I don't know if I'll be ok. What does O.K. mean anyways? Webster says its an adjective or adverb meaning all right. It's easy to slip into self-pity. I assure you I understand that I'm ultimately ok, but I haven't experienced Jesus in the role of Comforter. I feel so alone, ultimately alone. I refuse to declare myself depressed, but this is the closest I've ever been to it... Nobody has any idea what runs through my head all day everyday and how I perceive the day-to-day happenings of my life. I guess I'm just asking you to pray for me. I'm still searching for a sense of belonging, because I've always felt like I was on Crystal Island.. but whatever. It's back to studying for me.
I'm feeling this song : Complain by Tweet
Posted on 9.28.2005 at 1:54 AM
No comments:
Post a Comment