singularity sucks, but i know its best thing for me right now. the hardest thing about it is not necessarily being alone or not having folk to rely on because i have that, and i've learned how to deal with being alone (well, not alone but without people). the hardest thing (or most frustrating) for me is that there is always someone to like... maybe that's just part of human weakness because a lot of the so called "liking" doesn't have any deep or spiritual bearing. it goes something more like, oooo he cute or whatever...and that's really pointless because there's no real foundation, it's just liking for liking's sake... and then there are those people that you kinda liked all along, but now that you're not dating anyone else its like you're free to like them as much as you want to...and then...you find out that they are spoken for, which is good because you are not at the place in your life right now to endeavor into something new for that person's sake, your sake, for the sake of being in line with God's will, for other's sakes... because deep down in your heart you KNOW that Wisdom is leading you on another path or at least another direction right now. To act against it would be stupid and a foundation for additional heartache. This is why I bought a ring denoting my full year moratorium from being a girlfriend... or even a friendgirl. I need to continually remind myself of what I decided on the first of July, and I feel that decision was Divinely inspired so that I won't further sabotage the plans He has for me... at least in the realm of relationships and marriage. I'm tired of dating aimlessly and acting outside of God's will for me in that area of my life. So, I will continue to be the most platonic, non-awkward friend a guy ever had because I dare not hope for more or venture farther because entirely too much is at stake in the big picture of my life... and honestly, there is too much going on with me and in my life to give anymore of myself than I already give. Why is it that I can't think of that as SOON as I begin to think I might somewhat like someone? So, this is me, Crystal: daughter of God, sister in Christ, daughter to my parents, big sister to my siblings, best friend I can be, student, graduate school applicant, employee (Community Advisor, Office Assistant), Team Leader...just a girl trying to make a way and delve deeper into what God means for my life to be and where He wants me to go next. Therefore, the bottom line is (and I know I keep straying from and coming right back to this conclusion) I need to go into my spiritual cave and really see and listen to what's going on and what needs to be going on in my relationship with Jesus. The ground has already been broken on the building project of my godly character but my stubborness in sticking to my own will has allowed for minimal building.
Posted on 9.3.2005 at 10:44 PM
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