grasp

I don't know how I really feel right now because I can't put a finger on it. I've been swept into a spiritual and emotional tornado that I'm trying to understand. I do know that it seems like God is saying something about humanity and being alone. I am seeing that (and I don't know how to articulate it) no matter how deep your crew is or who you think your friends are, God eventually pulls you to the side. I don't know how it actually happened, but feel absolutely alone in the human sense. No one understands me. I know I've talked about this before, but I need to talk about it again. I feel like I'm marching to the beat of a different drum and I hope its Jesus drum and the life rhythm He's chosen for me. I think it is. He's a Pied Piper leading me far away from social. I know not to rely on people, but even though I was pretty sure I was at a point where I wasn't relyin on anyone. He made it so I clearly see that I ultimately stand alone. Christ is my only straight up, thick and thin homeboy who has my back. Yes I know that there are people who love me and have my back, but I have to stop thinking that I will ever encounter perfect love in this world. No one but me hears the drum beat I hear or sees the path I know I need to take. There is something dynamic going on within and about me, but I keep clinging to my burdens when I KNOW that his yoke is light. I can't remember the last day that I didn't cry at some point over some deep down sadness. I'm an endless well of emotion and I know I've lost my grip so maybe I can stop fighting with Christ and let Him handle things... or maybe I'll just sit here and miserably continue to muscle it out. I gotta run though... in-service for housing. Yay... not really, but it may be interesante.
Posted on 9.15.2005 at 7:10 PM