I asked a friend these questions last week: "What is it that makes you get out of bed everyday? What drives you? Do you have a sense of purpose?" I was hinting that the underlying answer to all of these questions should be Jesus. Then this weekend came around and I realized that without a job or another specific place to be, I'd sooner not move from my bed... not because I'm sleepy, but lonely pathetic. If I could sleep all day I really would. I thought about signing up to work Saturdays at the Atlanta Day Shelter for Women and Children but even though that is meaningful it wouldn't ascribe any further meaning to my life. I know God is there and He has a plan for my life, but I just keep running, "Chasing after the wind" as Solomon says in Ecclesiastes. That's what I'm literally doing, and I'm mad because I know that and I can't seem to help myself. I can tell that God is still hanging around with me despite of my foolishness though. A few weeks ago I prayed that he would simplify my social life (honestly, concerning guys)... and well, he has done that with the quickness. It's been kinda sad though because in some instances it was quite hurtful/confusing to me, while other situations kinda were what they were. I understand that it was all necessary though so I'm not looking back. Plus I KNOW precisely what I want, so anything outside of that is pure deadweight and thoughts/efforts/ time/minutes wasted for both parties. I'm well past the point of summoning people for pure company's sake. I only spend time with people I would like to invest my time in getting to know or building a friendship with. It was unfair of me in the past to line up people to hang out with because I could, not because I liked their company. I mean, don't get me wrong, these folk didn't get on my nerves or anything and therefore we could chill, but did I really have their best interest at heart? I can confidently say that I no longer do that... and it's been a while. Now I just wallow in my lonliness. I tried to pick up reading, bought 2 or 3 books that seem like they'll be really good... and then it hit me, I absolutely hate the physical act of reading. I will do it for school and stuff like I need to, but reading for 'pleasure' is a bit more difficult for me to do. Maybe because I like to multitask and holding a book to read it doesn't allow much freedom for that. At the same time I know I don't have so much to do that I constantly should feel like I need to be able to multitask.
So last night... went out with FMJ and VJL to Studio Grille(nice spot) for an art showing/farewell gathering. It was supposed to turn into a party later, but it never did. I guess because the DJ only played grown folk's music, the crowd was older and it was mostly GT affiliates, students, alumni and such. So all everyone seemed to want to do was talk, which was actually ok with me. I am QUITE glad that I took my outfit in a more classy direction. I wore my favorite shirt, the one I was wearing when I met 28, and I had toyed with the idea of wearing a shorter skirt than the somewhat modest one I had on. However, I was happy that I had stuck with what I was wearing because when we got there people were clearly going for grown and sexy, not just sexy. I was quite cordial in conversation last night, my laugh was more of a chortle than usual. I'm sure that was the smirnoff though because I am quite certain that no one was that amusingly witty.
Speaking of smirnoff, I didn't pad it with any water, so this morning I woke up at 9am feeling like my head was trying to separate into different directions, which inhibited my ability to fall suddenly back to sleep so I struggled until I realized I couldn't stay in bed any longer. I was actually relieved when I was informed that I wouldn't be riding out to Tuskegee today.... even though I really did want to go. After I came to, I went out to buy a small saucepan because I was thawing out the gumbo I brought from Augusta a few weeks ago and I finally got some trashcans. At this rate I will have a tight apartment by the time I complete the Ph.D program at Ga State, which should take me about 5 years.
So I cancelled my class and tutoring session for tomorrow. I'm not feeling well at all and the only reason I'm on here is because I can't sleep, but I'm going to give it another go now.
ciao
Posted on 7.17.2006 at 12:43 AM
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