Shortly after I wrote the previous statement I hopped into my car and drove home to augusta with nothing but my class materials and the clothes on my back and just enough gas to make it.... but let me back up.
Up until that point my day was not how I had envisioned it because it was my first day officially for once and all available to be in a relationship. I've been dating all year, but today marked the end of my one-year relationship moratorium deal. I had pictured today as a joyous occasion complete with celebrating with friends which could have still happened I guess, but I doubt it. I spent all of Friday night in the bed and most of today before I drove to Tech to get some work done. I almost felt like a hermit really. So what made me up and leave ATL impulsively? Well, I just realized that there isn't anything for me there. I have a few friends here and there, but ultimately no relationships strong enough to compete or interfere with my desire to be around family. In reflecting on this year that I've spent single it's becoming painfully clear that I've spent an entire year without intimacy (I don't mean in the physical sense). My mother and VJB are probably the closest people to me right now in terms of what's going on in my life and they try to understand it, but they don't. No one understands. Others who are willing to listen just try to throw solutions at me or criticize me for feeling how I feel, which is not what I asked for at all... so now I just keep things to myself. I know that if I share I will only first because I will be misunderstood and/or condemned for what I'm feeling and going through and it's just not worth all of that anymore. In saying that, I feel more alone now that I have ever felt. They say "No man is an island." and I know that with Jesus that is true but I'm having a hard time grasping the concept of reaching out to a spiritual being for intimacy and understanding. I do pray more, but apparently not enough because I pretty much feel the same. I just want to be known and understood to know that I'm not alone in what I feel or irrational (for the most part). Sometimes I don't know if it's just that I'm thinking and perceiving with a totally different lense than everyone I know or if I'm just crazy. Certainly I'm not psychotic, but why does my perception seem so much different? Is it that I feel things so much more deeply? I have no idea, but feeling like I'm on an island has taken its toll on me. I'm so unhappy. When I go to church now I feel so heavy and so fake. I smile, but only because I don't want to look like I'm not ok. The truth is that I'd rather not be there. I went to church on Wednesday night and Destiny Praise played "Please Don't Pass Me By" by Fred Hammond and the tears just rolled down my face non-stop. My face was probably red too. I was a straight mess, but that was a break through for me. I don't cry in public, least of all in church. As much as I crave intimacy I don't like letting random people getting a glimpse of what I'm feeling deeply. Yeah, that sounds backwards to me too. One-by-one the Lord is certainly simplifying my social life for me. I guess that's good because I allow people to fall through the cracks without realizing it.
The biggest theme of my life is how disappointing people are in general. I mean I knew this and I thought I had learned this lesson a while ago, but God really seems to be drilling this into my head/heart. Left and right people I thought were on my side continually let me down or just hurt me. You can't put your trust and hope in people because you will often be left empty-handed and heavy-hearted about it. All these disappointments leave me feeling more and more alone though because it's like 'Wow, I really thought you had my back.' Then I just become more and more closed. No one really knows what's going on inside of me anymore now because I don't let them. Over a year ago when I actually had someone to share things like that with I did, but now our conversations are limited to surfaces and inanimate objects. That hurts too. Everything damn hurts. At first glance my life seems so great though. I have this great teaching opportunity, awesome space to live in, I may be getting a Graduate Assistantship with my mentor. Like, God is really setting me up. Outwardly, I'm living my life like it's golden. On the inside I want to sleep forever so that I'll stop hurting... and not hurt those I love. Tonight I was supposed to be waiting on my baby sis to ride to McDonalds with me and it was taking her too long so I just left. That's like the meanest thing I've done to her. We're really close and I seriously shouldn't have left her. So when I came home I apologized to her while crying. When we're hurting I don't know why we tend to hurt those closest to us. She's NEVER EVER been anything but a great, loving, understanding sister to me and for me to treat her like that? I am soooo mad at myself.
Well after that I got on my teacher stuff, grading papers. I am happy to say that based on all of the essays I've read for my classes there aren't any super crazy crucially serious writing problems that seem to be present. I'll write my lesson plan for Monday later today (I hate that we have freaking school on Monday) I was tempted to cancel my class actually but seeing as how we didn't do anything on Friday really I'm thinking , No. Let's see I think I will write a poem now and then maybe try to read so I can affectively plan Monday's discussion.
Posted on 7.2.2006 at 2:52 AM
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