Yeah so I know this sounds really bad/weird. Last night after being quiet and alone and crying and just plain being sad for countless consecutive hours I got up and started listening to my Christian music collection and I praised God and I sang and I had a good time... for a while. Then, I thought some more and it came to me that I'm quite upset with God for a number of reasons. Even though I know He hasn't let me down I feel like he has and that he's left me alone, which I also know is untrue I've just been feeling that way. That may sound blasphemous or whatever but I understand that God is God and just as I am His servant and nothing without him (certainly nowhere near his equal), I am also his friend. Friends get mad at each other sometimes and this underlying resentment interferes with intimacy. If I'm hurting because of something I think you did to me how can I disclose more of myself to you? It will always be in the back of my mind. Having taken this into account I tearfully wrote down everything I was mad at God about (and when I say mad, I mean more like upset or salty not like I hate Him or something because that's just wrong). It's like 20 things, but they're pretty much all related so it's more like 5 things. Later today I'm going to condense the list into the few main themes. Then I will pray (and continue to pray) about each of them until I stop feeling mad. It's hard to love when you're mad and hurting and feeling alone... I also understand that no level of human companionship will serve to fill this void so I try to evaluate and check myself when I call people to hang out. I want to make sure that it's because I want to be around them, not because I 'need' to be around someone, anyone.
So today... I stayed in bed until about 1pm. I have a LOT of papers to grade and I really don't feel like it at all. I hate grading. I also have a lesson plan to put together. I'm trying, but I don't know how to make it a lesson when it's really another discussion. I'm also supposed to be assigning a Critical Response paper for Friday but I really don't know what that situation will look like. It will work out. God will work it out, He has so far with this class. I just have to be patient and willing to seek out different ways to present the material. This could be the best lesson yet. :)
Posted on 7.4.2006 at 4:17 PM
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