open and shut: some things just are

::OPEN::

Tonight started off really bad. I woke up(from a nap) at around 7pm, like dang... my weekends really suck. They actually do. I really don't have a life... and these past few weekends have been especially bad because I've been on duty, so I feel like a loser because not only am I alone (which I usually am) but I have to be alone and mostly in my room. It's not enough to remind myself that I should be studying anyway. Anyways, I was really sad as I was cooking dinner by myself and watching tv by myself and online by myself. I thought, hmm... I could call some friends, but its not like I have any money until Friday so I can't go out and also... iono. Sometimes I just feel like I'm in another dimension.

The night brightened up later, but not for superficial reasons. I did, however, realize that some topics (even with me) are just not open for discussion with the people I usually talk to, and especially not the other folk who read this additional journal... so I'm only sharing with Mom and maybe EB. Why EB? Because... I mean, it's really not that anything bad happened or I did somethiing scandalous or stupid or that it would even be a somewhat big deal to any of you. It's just that it was kind of a big deal to me and I would like to keep it mostly to myself. I should try that more often anyway. Why do I feel the need to be so 'open' all the time? I mean it's true that I'm emotionally enchained when it comes to 'relationship'-like situations or opportunities, but so much of me is such an open book to anyone who asks, well I'm changing that as of today. Why? Because I want to, and I can. As far as the relational thing though, as lonely as I am all the flippin' time, I'm just not interested generally. Guy amigos are cool, but I'm really NOT looking for a Seany replacement, certainly not any time soon... maybe not even by the time my relationship moratorium is over in July. I don't want one. That would be kinda like Gail King replacing Oprah Winfrey on the Oprah Show... second rate at the very best... at least with how I'm feeling at this point in my life. Anyone right now would just be a poor girl's Sean: the best I could do for the moment but ultimately incomparably and quite pitiful.

Also, I want to say fake 'friends' make me want to puke... thank you.

::SHUT::
Posted on 11.12.2005 at 2:08 AM