I don't know why I feel the need to tell you about what's going on in my life. You were only my closest friend for a long time, that's all...
I'm not going to make it like this... not having the energy or drive to apply for grad school and other things I need to take care of. Something needs to change... things are shifting though...
The social balance I thought existed in our apartment must be on leave. There is tension between the three people who were supposed to be 'tight'... I'll apologize for being a *doot*, because I know I haven't had the right attitude for a while now. I just left last night because I had to go. I wanted to disappear and get back whenever. I'm tired of being in that stupid apartment all the freaking time. I don't have a hideaway anymore. I don't think I ever will again, not until I find my spiritual hideaway... or REFUGE, yah, 'refuge' is a better word...
I realized that I was jealous... it's weird though, because I certainly don't envy the inevitable pain or reality check, but maybe just simultaneously frustrated and thankful that God won't allow me to be stupid in that way. It's like, I really just CAN'T. He's really got a hold on me. It's amazing, but like 'dang' too...
BP never called. That's just a well because BP didn't need to call me. I've realized that I can't have meaningful acquaintances or relationships with surfacey people. I need to be in contact with people who are 3-dimensional. If I talk to you and all we have to talk is small talk, after multiple conversations, then something is wrong. Shallowness is not to be confused with emotional guardedness, however. People who are emotionally guarded may tend to avoid heavy conversations about purpose, passion, and life so they can avoid putting their heart out there. Who can blame them, really? It's not safe out here...
I still miss my carbs, but I'm treating myself with a piece of cake today... and after that, Thanksgiving here I come. I must say I HAVE been eating well though...
The warmish Indian summer-type thing ATL had going on its coming to a close, but guess what... I need winter clothes and I can't do that until next weekend, so.... um yeah...
Apparently I'm collecting my frustrations and stress in my brow, for a week or so now. I keep tensing my brow subconsciously until I get a headache. Well now I'm fully conscious that I'm doing it, but I don't know how to get my brow muscles to stop so a tension headache becomes inevitable...
I'm sick of feeling like I'm average, because I know it's a lie that the Enemy keeps telling me. There is nothing average about being someone who Jesus died for and I KNOW that, but I've been devaluing that lately and putting myself down on the basis of worldly 'values'... that's why I'm driving myself crazy...
Posted on 11.10.2005 at 9:47 AM
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