Right now it seems as if my life has come full circle, but since the reference point is off from were I know I need to be, I must assume that this circle is actually a semi-circle. At times I know what the deal is and I'm on point, but at others I'm like who am I and what did I do with the God that made all of those changes in Crystal? It's so easy to slip into the who idea of "well, I'll straighten up later, but right now I want to have fun", but what if today or even this moment is all you have, all I have? And if you've yet to experience godly fun, how do you know it's not ultimately more fun. God can rearrange your whole concept of fun. Godly fun is fun without repurcussions and I know this first hand, but I guess everything else is at hand. I'd have to seek out godly fun and I don't think I would be good at that right now. I wonder how many people can see my inner struggle. This is definitely a Romans 7 deal for me. And when I tell the folk around me that I know it was wrong to do this or that... no one understands. I know I've gotta climb the wall that encloses me and change my backdrop. I need someone who is like, yep, you were soooo WRONG. I was supposed to hang out with Hui-san and Gordon last night I think. I was also supposed to attend a couple of parties and I was supposed to study. I had already decided I wasn't going to party. I don't feel like subconsciously/consciously trying my hardest to be attractive to random guys. I don't want to initially attract my husband with how well I "shake my laffy taffy" or if I can fulfill his "freaky dancer" fantasy. The party atmosphere creates a climate of same-mindedness. Unfortunately, wherever you claim to(or know to) be spiritually, the moment you enter the party you are in agreement with the party mindset. The fact that you're there says a lot, unless you know you are supposed to be there for a Divine purpose. I don't understand why I'm so ok with being "commonplace" right now. My spiritual wings are weighted with lead and I can't shut everything out so that Jesus can filter through... or maybe it's just that I don't want Him to filter through right now. As hard as it is for me to say that, it's probably the closest to the truth. It's a double-sided thing with no true certainty. I want to be rescued from this situation in my life, but at the same time I'm having fun right now... and that's not good enough. This weekend has certainly had a couple of interesting twists... but on the flip side, it's obvious that I'm solidly convicted on specific levels. I thank God for that. For anyone who thinks all of this is hypocritical of me. I have to say that no one is perfect. The difference between between a child of Jesus and someone else is that someone who belongs to Jesus will eventually stand back up: " for though a righteous man falls seven times, he rises again, but the wicked are brought down by calamity "(Proverbs 24:16). I am sincerely hopeful that this downward cycle will end and that I will come full circle to where I need to be, secure in the relationship between Jesus and I.
Posted on 11.20.2005 at 3:07 PM
No comments:
Post a Comment