(these are John Mayer lyrics for the song with the above title)
And I don't know where you went when you left me but
Says here in the water you must be gone by now
I can tell somehow
One hand on the trigger of a telephone
Wondering when the call comes
Where you say it's alright
You got your heart right
Maybe I'll sleep inside my coat and
Wait on the porch 'til you come back home
Oh, right
I can't find a flight
We share the sadness
Split screen sadness
Two wrongs make it all alright tonight
All you need is love is a lie cause
We had love but we still said goodbye
Now we're tired, battered fighters
And it stings when it's nobody's fault
Cause there's nothing to blame at the drop of your name
It's only the air you took and the breath you left
Maybe I'll sleep inside my coat and
Wait on the porch 'til you come back home
Oh, right
I can't find a flight
So I'll check the weather wherever you are
Cause I wanna know if you can see the stars tonight
It might be my only right
We share the sadness
Split screen sadness
I called
Because
I just
Need to feel you on the line
Don't hang up this time
And I know it was me who called it over but
I still wish you'd fought me 'til your dying day
Don't let me get away
Cause I can't wait to figure out what's wrong with me
So I can say this is the way that I used to be
There's no substitute for time
Or for the sadness
Split screen sadness
We share the sadness
Let's give it up for John Mayer! .... now on to our regularly scheduled journal entry...
Ok, so let me disclaim this. I don't fully believe every statement John Mayer makes in the song... and in a few ways its not even relevant to my situation... but at the same time, I understand what he may have been thinking of or feeling like when he wrote this, especially the stuff in bold or in a different color.
j o u r n a l e n t r y
I woke up sad and quiet yesterday. It's like my mouth was shut. I didn't feel like doing much of anything or talking to anyone, at least starting out... some people didn't get that vibe and never do, but that's ok. Maturity is being able to tell someone you really need to not talk and be by yourself. Love is being able to carry on a sincere and attentive conversation in spite of how you're feeling. I'm still not "o.k." today, for lack of a better word. Solemn is the word I'm looking for to describe how I feel. That's exactly it because I swear I'm not depressed, but I'm not necessarily chipper. I am happy about seeing folk I haven't seen all summer...but really, my friends were here over the summer. I can't say that I am looking forward to seeing Sean around campus and being reminded that we are no longer dating. That is going to suck a little bit. Sometimes "It is what it is." and you have to learn how to deal with it and then overcome it...through God of course. I am nothing apart from Him and with Him I am still nothing, because whatever good that is within me is all Him.
Even so... I'm not all happy go lucky right now. I'm still very optimistic because I have hope to know that this won't last forever, and if I will allow the Holy Spirit to do so He will use this to shape my character... but sometimes you just gotta be real. My prayers are something like "God I know you're there and I can just come to you but I really miss being around my favorite person and even though there's all these guys around, it's just not the same but I know that you have to become my husband before I can start looking for one...but dag its hard." I mean, that's still the slightly sugar coated, slightly more hopeful, online journal version but it's kinda like that. I'm not on a husband searching endeavor, but I guess the realization I was has pointed me in the direction of soul searching and the disclosure and removal of skeletons. It is amazing how much we sin against God and aren't even REMOTELY conscious of.
I was told that someone committed suicide off the 10th street bridge a few days ago. Whether or not that's true (not that I think the person was lying) it just lead me to see what I've been thinking about for a while:
People are not happy. That is not to say that everyone is unhappy or depressed, but how often do we give others a candid view into how we are actually feeling or what we are actually thinking. It really bugs me that society ultimately requires us to wear our happy faces all the time. You never REALLY know what's going on with a person until you decide to care and figure it out. It upsets me that the person sitting next to me in class could be absolutely falling to pieces on the inside and I could be oblivious or the girl on my hall could be hurtiing so badly but afraid to reach out to nothingness. I KNOW people are sad because one only finds true, deep down happiness in Jesus Christ...and even then, only in true intimacy with Him. There are so many of us who will never know true intimacy in our lifetime if we don't slow down, drown out the noise and just pause so that we can listen effectively to the cry of our hearts.
Posted on 8.22.2005 at 10:38 AM
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