Some people think that writing is or can be (or at least create) a movement. I guess on some levels I'm on board with that. I think that writing IS movement. When a writer chooses to put a group of words together with a purpose, the hope is that you begin in one place and, at the end, you've been transported somewhere else... in your mind of course.
I've learned that in order for me to write, it must be associated with some sort of movement... change in thought pattern, heart (spirituality). My writings are the way I make meaning of what's happening in my life... but they also, to some extent show acceptance. If I'm not writing it, I refuse to accept that it has come to pass or is happening. That has been one source of my perpetual writer's block since living in Florida. I mean here and there I've come to a point where I felt the need to express myself in words and speak on my life... but most of the time I've been angry, hurt, discontent with my situation here and I refused to generate the words... no need to write such an existence.
Couple that further with the earlier idea that writing IS movement. A survey of my writings over the past 9 years shows a pattern: I've written during the transitional periods of my life... (well, those that I've accepted... because one could argue Tallahassee as the largest yet)... I wrote feverishly from 10th grade on through college, and even at the beginning of my first graduate program at Georgia State. Although I was unhappy with many of my experiences during this time, I felt that writing made me feel better and sort things out. Since Florida, writing meant that I would have to accept my circumstances in acknowledging them verbally, which I did not want to do for the most part.
Going along with the movement idea, my writing has demonstrated my spiritual movement. The beginning and peak of my blogging was at a time 03-05 when I had just started getting to know God a bit and I had a lot to say about Him and the people around me at that time. The next phase of my blogging... which ended just before the dry spell... we can call the dark ages. At this point in my life I consciously, if not intentionally, was like "forget you God" I'm going to try and do things my way because your way isn't working for me. Why do I have to be alone????" Then silly me, I moved to Tallahassee. Anyways, during the "dark ages" I began to slip into all of the stereotypical crazy college stuff that many people experience, but that God had kept me from during my sophomore and junior years... mostly through a significant other. When he and I split just before my senior year, I tried to hold onto God and what I thought I had learned... but then I decided to "do me" I drank and went clubbing. I kept my body to myself for a good little while, about a year or so... but then eventually it was foolishness run amok. Then to top it all off I had an alcohol blackout experience where I woke up next to a Turkish guy (nationality is important to me in this instance) that I don't remember meeting. It was very scary, especially all of the STI testing I endured after the fact. This was the end of '07.
By this point, my soul had declared that there was NOTHING in my life worth writing. In fact the lines above are the only words I have dedicated to that horrible experience. Technically it was date rape... but I don't remember ANY of it. Lord I can't IMAGINE how people feel who have been raped and they do remember. It took me months to wrap my mind around it and to feel "ok" and move on.
But movement... I had slid so far backwards spiritually that I didn't have the energy to write. I mean why write if I'm saying the same thing... just stuck here. In the months before I stopped writing, most of my writings were about my upcoming transition to Florida and about how much I realized I needed God but kept losing site of Him.... and then I must have given up. I tried a church in September... then I didn't return until the following Spring for a visit. It wasn't until the summer that I decided to be a committed attendee. Now I'm working on being the tangible hand of Christ in a number of outlets provided by the church.
In all honesty, my pending involvement in my church here has made me ALMOST say, "I'm not ready yet to leave this place." I am happy to once again have forward movement... and this time, no one is pulling me along. I am following Him.
I have NEVER actively put so much faith into God... but I guess I've always had things lined up for me after each step. Before I left undergrad, I was accepted to GSU. Before leaving GSU... I was admitted to FSU. Let me tell it, I was doing it all on my own... although I thanked God for each promotion.
This is my time to truly trust Him. I have NO idea what's next. I pray that He will allow me to graduate. I don't know if He will keep me here in FL or not. Will I work in my field? Will I get a job any time soon? Will I be unemployed for a year? Am I going back to GA? I'm I staying in the states? I can't cater to all of these details, because they are not up to me. The idea of not having the next step lined up (in the shadow of $40,000+ in student loan debt) is so scary to me, but I must check the fear: HEY.... God is in control and He has a PLAN for my life (Jeremiah 11:29). I know that I must let tomorrow worry about itself and that I must consider the lilies. I will have shelter, food and clothing for the Lord is my Shepherd, I have everything I need.
Those are my mantras right now, but yeah a piece of me is still scared. And now here I am trying to go to Guatemala for a missions trip. Guatemala?? I have NEVER been out of the country without my family. I find the thought of going abroad without them to be somewhat scary, and then to a country that speaks other than English? Are we serious right now? But really, I want to gain more perspective and see God work across the language barrier and that Love needs no translation. I want to get in the game. I want to get dirty. I'm tired of being selfish with my hands and with my time and resources and gifts. God didn't call me to be worthless, so I won't be any longer.
There's another dimension of my life that He seems to be doing some interesting things in right now, and I'm beating my head up against the wall being impatient. I'm praying for patience and wisdom. The refusal to ask for or display patience has been my downfall since whenever (among other things). I can't tell you now what I believe this dimension to be or what I see happening, but I will tell you that I am STRUGGLING (ok, that's a bit of drama... it's not so bad) to hold it together and not bubble completely over. I can barely help it, I'm predisposed to bubbling. My focusing directly on God and seeking after Him helps to keep this dimension in check (well, to keep me in check regarding this dimension). Soon I will be sooo busy being the tangible hand of Christ that I will have to schedule time to muse about this.... and I sincerely hope so, because I just might pop.
Alas I've babbled too much and I should sleep so I can work in the morning... on time.
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