Re-evaluation

So, my life is a constant chain of mistakes. They mostly involve me barking up the wrong tree and getting out of line with what God is doing in my life. Why do I have the uncanny ability to be barking up the wrong tree always? I refuse to call that a gift... I'd rather take it back.

Early this morning I got an answer from God... Though it did not come directly from him per say, it was PRECISELY the answer that I needed to hear to set my soul at ease... disappointing though it was. I liked this guy (a lot) and he said a friend of his told him that he "should never subject a girl to [his] uncertainty, [his] maybe, [his] it could be, [his] let's see." Not necessarily the answer I wanted, but it was a good answer. I was pretty certain that it spoke directly into the 'situation' at hand. I suppose I will never know if that was the full intent or not, but I'm ok with that.... not that it mattered if I was "ok," but I am, so that's fortunate.

I will do my best to be still and NEVER bark up another tree again, since I clearly suck at it. With me and guys it's a constant banging my head up against the proverbial wall and I'm SICK of it. I often regret my tendency to become attached to or admire guys... UGH! Or maybe it's that I'm sick of my tendency to be attached to people at all. I'm sick of myself. My nickname should be 're-run' because I tend to find myself in similar situations much of the time. I will say that I've learned to recognize the situation and check myself sooner.

I hate that in this situation I went farther than I would have liked before I caught myself... or God caught me, rather... like "pump the brakes lil girl." So I scaled wayyyyy back (in my opinion) but pouted much of the week. I'm sure that's not was I was supposed to be doing. I'm just REALLY over this whole disappointment thing, but I must have one of the most relentless streaks of optimism. It's dangerous I tell you. Last night/this morning my friend said something about "more fish in the sea" and I said "yeah, they are all floating belly up." That's how I feel much of the time...but my optimism outweighs it much. I guess I'm wired for optimism.

At any rate, I don't feel like seeing anyone today at all, but I've committed myself to going to church weekly.... and as if God felt I might flake on Him this weekend, a friend texted me early this morning to ask if I was going to church this evening. I told her yes... and while I could flake on her like my friend did last night, I'm not going to... for a number of reasons.

About the flaking last night... I got quite upset that I had put soooo much effort into cooking dinner and my friend decided that she didn't want to get out of bed and come over... which she could have told me from jump. I did NOT have to cook. Then I honestly took a moment to re-evaluate her status as a true friend. I thought about how I'm planning this conference on campus for students and it's free and means a lot to me and how she has NEVER even acted like she would try and come to support me in doing the conference. I know I would try to support her... but then I had to talk myself down from the "Is she a friend?" ledge and acknowledge that maybe I haven't let her down like that, but another good friend of mine I've flaked on like that and not been as supportive as I should be. In fact, I used to feel the same way about her... like she wasn't truly vested into the friendship. Despite the ebb and flow of things over the years (nearly 7) she has become and remains one of my dearest friends. Just becaue people go through moments during your relationship where they suck a little bit and don't seem to have your back, it doesn't mean that they can't be great friends some day. I'd rather hold onto that tidbit than continue to be angry.... Jesus is my friend and remains, yet I regularly flake or postpone plans or totally let Him down. He hasn't discarded me. I should love in the same way. That's the bottom line.