Trust

I'm sure that this is where one of my faults lie, but I readily trust people. With me trust is more like, you're cool until proven unworthy. That's how someone I know for two seconds can quickly get on my badside. I don't allow much time for a genuine foundation of trust. Well, I learned my lesson on that, and in order to guard my heart better, I've taken to not trusting guys farther than I can throw them... at least initially. I'm cool, I just don't see the point in being all open and vulnerable upfront anymore. It's a dangerous undertaking to trust, put your hope in, or rest in someone so quickly. It's quite unwise, and not what God's wants for us. I had to learn that the hard way, and I lost a friend in the process. In my heart, that relationship is in ICU because I ask God, "How do I trust and foster a friendship with someone who, for all intents and purposes, squandered that trust?" I was at fault for going about things the way they did, and that person panicked... but my heart read that more as disappearance, abandonment and disregardment. If you want to push one of my buttons, that's probably the big, red "Don't touch" button. Those three things are at the root of one of the things that gets to my heart most as a vulnerable human. They make me shut down on a person. Now I can't tell you why that resounds so much with me, I'm guessing somewhere in my childhood experiences I felt like someone turned their back on me. Hell, maybe I repressed it. I'm not sure. All I know is that I really don't cope well with being left hanging. You could accuse me of beating around the bush on some things, but when people's hearts are involved I try to make sure I'm straightforward and say what needs to be said. There's too much that comes with the open-endedness of being 'deserted', for lack of a better word. You have to figure out what the hell happened, what the hell is wrong with you and then what is wrong with that person that they couldn't be up front with you. I consider myself to be a fairly understanding, mostly calm person but I guess sometimes I'm viewed as domineering and threatening maybe? I do feel things deeply, but I'm not necessarily apt to blow up on someone; I don't have a bad temper. Still, I guesssss I could see how someone might freak out and back down... For that, I am sorry, I'm ready and willing to forgive. With sincere, bonafide, God-given forgiveness restored, trust will also come.
Posted on 3.22.2007 at 2:04 PM