So, no, I'm not excited at all to be 23 but I'm obliged to thank God that I've made it thus far almost in one piece... I have so much to be thankful for, and I'm trying to focus on it... but it would be the jolly, happy all the time Christian-facade if I sat up here and told you that I felt like things were lovely. It's a good thing that we can't rely on feelings to tell if God is real. Let me tell you what He's been doing in my life recently, overtly...
So, you might know that I'm at Georgia State in a School Psychology Master's/Ed. Specialist program, but what you might not know is that by the 4th week into the program I realized that I hated it... then I made arrangements to apply to Higher Education Administration Master's Program (I would like to be a Dean of Students some day). I applied to Florida State University (one of the highest ranked in the nation) and to University of Tennessee as a back-up school. A week after turning in my FSU application I found out that I was accepted into their program (a few days later UT told me they'd waitlist me, but who cares...their program isn't ranked).
Visiting FSU
I drove to Tallahassee this past Sunday (yes, 6hrs) for FSU's Higher Ed. Visiting Days to see what FSU and it's people were like and to interview for assisstantships for the coming year(s). I got there on Sunday around 4:30pm and was almost immediately plunged into this reception with prospective students, professors and employers (who would be interviewing us the following day)... Needless to say, after driving 6hrs alone in the rain (safely thank God) I was not trying to be social and sell myself to any of the employers there or to the other prospective students so I chilled, ate my food, stepped out to talk to my fam on the phone... all the complete opposite of what I should have been trying to do, but I have to be me. I hate meeting people and trying to 'act' bubbly because I'm actually tired and need a second to get myself back together, like at that reception. But anyways, my host was great she was ready to leave when I was and was prepared to answer any questions I had for her... since I was interviewing at 8:30 the next morning. Monday was stressful as crap, I was scheduled for 7 half-hour interviews with various Student Affairs employees for Assistantships (to gain experience and have school paid for) so this was a big deal. I had to be on point, so I had on my 'lucky' wide pants (not so lucky cuz the last two times I've worn them with the shoes I had on I've either tripped or almost tripped), my new suit coat and my silky red shirt with my fleur de lis earrings and fleur de lis necklace on... with my fleur de lis wrist tatt safely tucked under my long sleeved shirt :) Anyways, the first interview went crappily. It was for a position with housing, so I didn't really care that much because if they offered me a position I'd be hard pressed to take it. At the same time I was like, Wow, is this interview going to set the tone for the rest of the day? I wanted to go sit in a corner and cry somewhere. It was like, Ok, this is your life... you are failing at your life. My phone was dying so I was only able to talk to Mom and my Mentor for like 2 seconds apiece. I had to pull it back together so I asked God to help me... last night I asked the Holy Spirit to go before me and set things up. The next 5 interviews went great (I cancelled one of them). One lady even broke formality and asked me about my fleur de lis, since I had so many on...I didn't show her the tatt though. On about 2 or 3 of the 6 interviews I really felt like the positions were a good fit for me and I vibed quite well with my interviewers. If anything was clear it was that I pretty much knew I had chosen the right kind of Master's Program this time around. I'm excited about the Fall... After the interviews I tripped across the street in front of everyone on my way to the bookstore but I managed to play it off and actually not feel embarassed about it, which was cool... I did laugh at myself though, and I saw some sistas laughing. That was ok, because if I were them I would have laughed at me all professional looking, yet about to be sprawled out in the middle of the street at a busy intersection. As soon as interviews were over, I went back to my host's house, got dressed, gassed up Dusty (my car) and started back to ATL about 24hrs after I had arrived there.
~Closer~
All I did was drive and think, drive and think some more while scanning stations. All I could think about was that I was glad the weekend was over, and I felt like I had accomplished something all by myself (with God of course) and that made me feel good. However, the closer I got to ATL I started thinking about how I didn't have anyone to come home to, didn't really have that physical companion/advocate that I've been hoping on hope for a while would come along...soon. No, I'd just be returning to my empty apartment, Me, Myself, and God and I prayed that in the near future I could be ok with that, content with my situation enough to not even think about my situation but just to accept it for what it is, where I'm at now. I also knew that maybe that day, that moment, wasn't my moment for that but that I'd would come. A few hours outside of Tallahassee, a familiar song came on: "Closer" by Goapele, actually one of my favorite songs. Here are the lyrics:
"Closer" ~Goapele
Closer to my dreams
It's coming over me
I'm gettin' higher
Closer to my dreams
I'm getting higher and higher
Feel it in my sleep
Some times it feels like I'll never go pass here
Some times it feels like I'm stuck forever and ever
But, I'm going higher
Closer to my dreams
I'm goin' higher and higher
I can almost reach
Some times you just have to let it go (Let it go, let it go)
Leaving all my fears to burn down
Push them all away so I can move on
Closer to my dreams
Feel it all over my being
Close your eyes and see what you believe
I'm happy as long as we're apart
Then I'm moving on to my dreams
I'll be moving higher (Moving higher)
Closer to my dreams
And higher and higher, higher
Feel it in my being (I can feel it flow around me)
I know that I could not go alone (No, no)
I'm moving higher (Higher), oh...
I'm going higher and higher and higher (Higher and
Higher)
Closer to my dreams (Higher and higher, oh...oh...)
I'm moving upward and onward and beyond all I can see
(Stretching out my arms so I can reach)
Feels so close it's like i can just reach
I can feel my dreams (Closer to my dreams)
I'm moving closer to my dreams
I'm moving (Higher and higher) higher and higher
(Higher and higher)
Moving higher, oh...
Some times it feels like you never gon'change (Never gon'change)
But you never choose to walk away
***end of lyrics***
Then it dawned on me that I was actually moving closer to my dreams and looking my fears dead in the eye, my fear of always being single (which I translate as 'alone' but really it isn't), my fear of stepping out to the front and taking the reigns leading undergraduates as a graduate student. A lot of those positions I interviewed for sounded semi-scary like stuff I knew I could probably do if I tried but it would take a few HUGE steps out of my comfort zone. Hell, driving to Tallahassee all by my damn self and back the following day after all that stress was a step outside of my comfort bubble. I really did burst through some of the chains that I allow to limit my abilities and my potential. My mom says she's so proud of me and I tell her that I did it because I knew I had to, but I forget that some people aren't blessed with such support and vision and that knowing sense of "I have to do this to get to where I want to be."
~The Road to Contentment~
For a moment there I was actually content with where I was, singing my song, in my car alone, on my way to my empty apartment, with my phone that rarely rings. I can see myself becoming the girl that no longer buys into the fairytale of 'finding that someone.' Yeah, deep down inside, hope hasn't completely died out, but like Proverbs 13:12 says "Hope deferred makes the heart sick..." and when hope in finding that someone has been deferred for you as many times as it has been for me it really is like "Why hope anymore?" so I try not to think about it and keep busy (I also refuse to watch Romance or Romantic Comedies), trying to learn to hope only in Jesus, but also have faith in His plans for me (Jeremiah 29:11). It's just that I can't help but feel most of the time that the whole me+guy+God relationship thing is a dream that I'll never get 'closer' to and it hurts to even consider it positively or negatively. I'm tired of caring about it. I wish I didn't care that I'm usually alone and that I frequently 'take myself' to places to see performances and out to eat. So yep, that's what 23 looks like for me: Triumphant on the professional side, making progress on the God side (even though I didn't talk much at all about our relationship), and confronted with the reality of being me and still getting acquainted with my own company and, by the grace of God, daily getting closer to being 'ok' with that... yes, some day I know I'll feel ok about it. But for today I'll still cringe when happy-coupled people try to instill courage in me with their "You'll meet him someday. I met Bob when I least expected it." That's the kind of stuff I used to tell people when I had a boyfriend, so I'm not trying to hear that. That does nothing to change the fact that I am the person who keeps me company and that's only going to intensify when I move to Florida in a couple of months, and I'm praying to God that I'll be ready for that when that time gets here... I guess He's preparing me now.
~Bittersweet~
But yeah, that's me... that's where I am today fighting to remind myself how blessed I am and how God seems to be ordering my steps so far. So forgive me if I don't dress up or seem too excited when you wish me Happy Birthday and ask me about the plans that I purposely did not make today ( I did make some for tomorrow though). It's just another birthday, Thank you Jesus I made it... but on the other hand, whoopty freaking do, don't remind me. I guess, in short, it's just...b i t t e r s w e e t, and, just like I don't feel the need to impress anyone with my permed hair anymore, I don't feel the need to sugarcoat it with well-meaning, heart-unfelt dialogue on how fabulous today is.
~Thank You~
For all of you who genuinely care about me, I promise that even though I just wrote a long, conflicted, highly cynical-yet-realistic message about how I feel like my birthday sucks, I'm ok. It's nice to know that I'm loved and am blessed to have people to love back.
Posted on 3.2.2007 at 1:35 AM
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