damn.girl

Diary forgive me... It's been nearly a month since I last wrote. It's just that there's so much to write about, yet so little to write. I have to force the words even as they translate from my mind, to my fingers, to the screen. The fact that I don't write much anymore is a direct parallel to how little I share my deepest feelings and perspectives now. I don't. I worry that I'm a bomb waiting to explode... on some unsuspecting person or object. No one was there when I threw my phone, killed it. Yes, I acknowledge a physical (or any display) of rage as "off". I was definitely out of line. I don't want to be that upset again. I'm tired of holding it all in, but there is no one I want to share my mind/heart with like that. I'm starting to feel like what I'm feeling is my burden. It would be smart of me to look up (to God) and share, but the reality of that situation is that I refuse to open my mouth and unconceal my heart (though I know He sees). I don't THROW things. That's not me. How can I be angry at God for my situation when I don't ask Him to change it? For that matter, how can I be angry if I ask Him and he doesn't change it? He gives me what I ask for, that my family and close friends are protected and remain in one piece. I guess I don't necessarily pray for myself. I just float on from day to day, bracing myself for what could lie ahead. No one knows, really, how incredibly stressed out I am about going to Florida State, not that I'm trying to hide it. Maybe my excitement at getting a new life backdrop masks my fear. Can I do this, walk into my dream like that? I have to. On some levels I'm grateful that God hasn't placed a love-interest in this whirlwind I'm living. Who but God could even withstand the pressure? I'm tired of being repeatedly told what I already know when I do reach out to others. Where is my will to walk into what I know though? I have to find it, but I doubt that I can find my own personal will within someone else, lol. I'm so heavy. Everything around me feels heavy and I just drag my feet. It's not about being alone anymore as it is about being out of touch with my purpose. No matter how much good I intend to do as a Higher Education Administrator, my work will be no good at all apart from Jesus's direction. I guess the sooner that hits home for me, the better.