So last night I went to the grocery store (to make sure I had food in case we did have a big ice storm) and that was all cool, but then when I got home I absolutely resented the fact that I was alone. I hate coming home to an empty space, but usually I don't resent it. I guess the fact that I was in the store grocery shopping with a lot of couples reminded me that I'm coming up on another solo Valentine's Day. I know that Valentine's Day shouldn't really mean anything to me. It was made big by the greeting card/gift industry and stuff, so it only means something if you ascribe meaning to it. However, my rational side almost completely gave way to my ultra-typically female desires to be rescued by prince charming... fairytales don't come true though. I don't say that to mean that I won't meet some awesome man, fall in love and decide to build a life with him. I mean that no person can or will ever be my end-all be-all, healing balm for all my hurts or easing of all my fears. You can't place that much into a person and love is not about you, it's about the other person.
Maybe if I had seen that the first few times down romance avenue I wouldn't be on this detour right now. Don't get me wrong, this detour has clearly been purposefully placed for me to grow a LOT as a person and potential love(r).. it's just that sometimes it sucks. I get tired of taking myself to places most or all of the time. Since I was little I've always loved to be around people, and why should now be that much different? Also right now I'm facing the adult reality that sometimes you start having drastically different schedules and interests as your friends (well, starting lineup of friends, the core homies) and you all become busy and with limited freetime your priorities and willingness to spend your freetime doing something you're not interested in is just not there so much anymore. I find myself partaking (still) in activities I wouldn't have initially chosen for the sake of not having to spend the entire weekend in isolation (with the exception of church). This may sound weird, but I have taken a liking to my own company as well . It's just that you get tired of being around the same person all the time (lol). Hell has frozen over and I've started reading again, which is good since my readings for classes aren't particularly enlightening.
I'm missing that whole companionship factor. Those of you who know (a little bit about) me have gathered that I'm a Christian or profess to be such. I understand that the (easy) Christian prescribed answer to my problem of not having a companion would be to discover "What A Friend I Have in Jesus" but in order to do this I have to be at the place where I'm thirsting for God and in order to do that He must give me this thirst, which He has begun to do since I've been asking almost diligently...along with listening to the bible on CD and reading books by Christian authors, which points me to the Bible as well. Clearly I'm not diligent enough about it though, because, to be real, sometimes I feel like I could really drop this and procure a man :) That's characteristic of the natural condition of our human hearts, to desire everything BUT God. I could sit up here and say all I want is Jesus, but in my heart I know I have to fight to maintain and grow that desire by His grace. For me, it's been a hard road.
Posted on 2.1.2007 at 6:29 PM
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