2.14.2007

God, how do I just stop wanting something I've wanted for such a long time? Can't I for once meet the man of my dreams and I be his dream? Or maybe you're trying to tell me that there is no man-of-my-dreams in existence. You know what I want and what I need, so maybe I should trust that you know what You're doing. It's just that I'm so tired of coming home to myself and taking myself. Maybe, though, your instant fizzling of every guy I show interest in is a way of hurting me upfront and therefore sparing deeper hurt later. Each time it happens I'm all the more ungrateful because with each failure I feel even more like God crossed me. How could he leave me hanging out here without a Mr. Fabulous? I want a companion. I want to be someone's help meet... apparently God doesn't want that for me right now. I'm trying to be at peace with that but honestly it just upsets me.